Don't Make Assumptions: Leadership Agreement #3

The last few weeks have been extremely busy for me and I've had countless opportunities to practice the first two agreements: Be impeccable with your word and Don't take anything personally! I've had the opportunity to experience the drama of others without letting myself absorb the drama and make it my own. When we can observe the drama that others create that is a good way to "not take anything personally". Now, not everything has gone smoothly during this busy time. There's been stress that has come out when I'm with those closest too me because that is often where we allow communication to break down: in our closest circles. Always something to work on improving!

But here we are ready to see how the third agreement works to make us better leaders!

Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement you can completely transform your life.

I think this agreement might be the one that is genetically most difficult for me. As a child I remember being afraid to go to the corner store next to the elementary school by myself and buy candy. I was afraid to ask for what I really wanted. I'm also the oldest child in my family which, for me, meant some pressure to be responsible and do well in school and in life (not that I haven't acted out or rebelled a few times along the way). I knew that I would have to move away from my family of birth and the home of my childhood to have a chance of true success, but it's still a struggle to be able to "communicate clearly."

So where does this agreement come into play as we fulfill our roles as leaders? So often leaders assume that those they represent or that follow them think and feel about things the same way we do. How often do we ask those in the organizations we lead what they really want out of their involvement? Do we have the courage to learn that they don't see things the same way we do?

Making assumptions more often than not leads to misunderstandings and less then desirable results. It feels easy to make a million little assumptions as we go through a process because it creates the feeling of accord and understanding. But something will always occur, count on it, to illuminate the error of our assumptions. Sometimes it is something small that can be easily talked through. Sometimes it will something so major that relationships will be irreparably damaged and lives profoundly changed. That is why Ruiz states that you can completely transform your life by utilizing this one agreement. Think of that next time you assume you know how someone else thinks of feels.

The Five Agreements for Leadership: #2 Don't Take Anything Personally

Now that we've had a few days of practicing being impeccable with our word (does it count when talking to your cats?) let's move on to the next of Don Miguel Ruiz's "Agreements". He should have left this one for last, because it is a killer:

Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own inner reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Is he KIDDING? How much stuff in life DON'T we take personally? I mean, it's all about me, right? Center of the Universe and all that. It's hard enough not to take it personally when someone cuts us off in traffic and we don't even know the other driver!! But, he's talking about not taking anything personally, from anyone at all.

And what about the things I really want to take personally? You know, when other people tell you how fabulous, talented, generous and gorgeous you are? He's not talking about that, too? Yeah, I think he is.

I'll admit since reading those earth shattering words some ten years ago this one has taken time to soak in and really make sense. But, no truer words were ever written: "when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering". And when you are in any kind of leadership position there are a lot of opinions and actions that seem to be about you. The power comes in realizing that it really isn't about you. It's about the expectations, assumptions, ideas and beliefs held in the mind of another person. A mind that you know nothing about. Doing things for reasons that are never about you.

I'd advise letting this agreement sink in over time. And then next time someone does something that totally baffles or aggravates you stop and just say to yourself "this isn't about me". Next time someone compliments you for something you've said or done say "thank you" and then say to yourself "but, this isn't about me".

This is BIG! Let me know how you are doing with Agreement #2!

The Five Agreements for Leadership: #1

A week ago I had the pleasure to see and hear someone in person who's writing profoundly changed my life about 10 years ago. Don Miguel Ruiz came to Houston with his two sons, Miguel and Jose. Many years ago while vacationing in the mountains of New Mexico I read "The Four Agreements". It has become a book close to my heart. Last week he presented his book "The Fifth Agreement" and it got me thinking how the agreements could apply to the path of leadership. We'll take one at at time and start at the beginning!

Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Impeccable. Just that word brings to mind something carefully and meticulously put together. No ragged edges, no worn out or careless seams, clean and starched. He's saying we should be that careful, that precise and that conscious of our words. And not just the words that come out of our mouths but those that float around in our minds, our thoughts.

And notice that you are not to use the word against yourself! Maybe we're careful not to abuse ourselves out loud, but are we that careful in our thoughts?

The other word that catches my attention is integrity. I think that is what true leadership is all about. Actions and words in complete harmony. And certainly gossip is not using our word with integrity.

When you are in a position of leadership your words carry extra weight and people are watching how you conduct yourself. Are you impeccable? Do you act with integrity? Do you refrain from gossip? None of those things are easy, but they can be mastered with practice. Perhaps you can think of examples in your life of people who have modeled those traits. My grandmother Amos never spoke badly of anyone. Ever. No one in the family can remember her saying anything hurtful about anyone. What restraint and amazing power she exemplified.

Words can build up or they can tear down. A leader will find a way to build up those around her in every possible situation,  including herself, but not at the expense of others. Be sure you are conscious of the message you want to convey before you put it into words.

A New Year & New Leadership Intentions

Here we are, a week into a new year and a new decade. Many people begin January with a fresh, exciting list of resolutions. They resolve to lose weight, quit smoking, be nice to their parents, spend more time with the kids, walk the dog, ignore the cat. Resolutions never worked all that well for me, and I suspect you may feel the same way. I always created a list that was so overwhelming by the end of the month I had put it away and forgotten about it.

I find it more helpful to set intentions, but only after looking back on the previous year and listing all that I am grateful came to pass. Then I have a clearer picture of what I want to allow into my experience as the year unfolds. Intentions are more of an inside out process. Your intentions flow from your beliefs about yourself and manifest as actions and words. Resolutions feel like something your mean Aunt Gurdie wants you to do, like "eat all the peas on your plate before you can have chocolate cake."

What are some of my leadership intentions for 2010?

* I intend to see the good in every person and every experience, no matter how challenging or how long it takes
* I intend to let myself be surprised by how great life is
* I intend to seek out new learning experiences that will enhance my leadership skills
* I intend to honor the way others lead, especially if it isn't the way I would do it
* I intend to allow others their opportunities to lead, and to support them in their efforts
* I intend to look for leaders to mentor me and the opportunity to mentor other leaders
* I intend to weigh carefully my words knowing that words have great power to hurt or heal

Those are just a few of the things that come to mind. Oh, and I intend that I will have a very good year and hope the same for you!