"I'm O.K., You're O.K." This phrase is embedded in our cultural vernacular and I seemed to remember it was the title of a book so I checked Wikipedia to confirm that. It was released in 1969 by psychiatrist Thomas Harris, made it on to the best seller list in 1972 and stayed there for two years. I wasn't into self-help books in grade school, so I never read it! But the phrase came right to mind as I was thinking about my subject for today's blog post: acceptance.
How often do we give ourselves and those around us the gift of acceptance? We learn early on in life that there's a never ending list of things we need to change about ourselves. Parents do it both consciously and unconsciously when they see us behaving in ways that make them uncomfortable. We hear "big girls don't cry" or "we don't do xx out in public" or "calm down". Teachers and schools push us into conformity and even the most obedient of children either don't quite fit the mold or long to push the envelope of proper behavior. Media, movies, magazines and books show us how to act and look to fit in, be popular, make money, find love, be happy.
What happens when we decide to accept ourselves the way we are and, in turn, accept those around us as they are? I'm not confusing acceptance of self with resignation from or refusal to improve or grow. What I mean is acceptance of where I am. Right now. Where you are. Right now.
Try it on. It's very freeing. It feels good to drop the mask and the labels, at least part of the time and just BE. And what a gift it is to give someone acceptance. It's really a lot of hard work for me to constantly wish you were something other than what you are. And maybe, just maybe, some of this behavior that I don't like comes from your struggle against my notions of who and what you should be.
So, let's just relax a bit in 2010 and try to accept one another. We might be surprised how much we like living that way.
31 December 2009
28 December 2009
Taking the LONG View
A few nights ago I was wallowing in a bit of self pity. As the year winds down its easy to think that I've been stuck in the same place in my life. Maybe its the short days or all the cold, rainy ones we've been having. Or maybe there's just a few more feelings hiding away that need to be acknowledged and released.
I remember how I felt a year ago. I was so excited about how 2009 was to unfold. It seemed like I had finally put everything into place that would help me create the next stage of life. The experiences, the education, the training, the network. It was all there and the perfect opportunity I had been waiting for seemed within my reach. It didn't work out the way I had envisioned. Does that mean I'm not making progress? In my quick turnaround life of emails, posts, tweets and instant downloads its easy to get caught up in the short term view.
I started thinking about where I was ten years ago as the world was eagerly caught up in the idea of 2000. Once I employed a longer horizon of time I astounded myself with how my life has changed! Ten years ago I didn't even have an idea of what community development was let alone the training or inclination to move my career in that direction. And though I had been in a number of leadership positions the past ten years I've grown into the type of leader I had always looked up to. I've now got the life experience and maturity to really offer something of value. Once upon a time leadership drained me, now it feeds me. That is a change that comes from a significant shift deep inside.
So 2009 didn't turn out the way I preferred, but maybe that only means something even more appropriate and meaningful is headed my way in 2010. And what will I create in my life over the next decade? I have the tools now to make more meaningful contributions to my community and my family. Sometimes its good to stand on the mountain and notice how beautiful the valley that you traveled through really was.
I remember how I felt a year ago. I was so excited about how 2009 was to unfold. It seemed like I had finally put everything into place that would help me create the next stage of life. The experiences, the education, the training, the network. It was all there and the perfect opportunity I had been waiting for seemed within my reach. It didn't work out the way I had envisioned. Does that mean I'm not making progress? In my quick turnaround life of emails, posts, tweets and instant downloads its easy to get caught up in the short term view.
I started thinking about where I was ten years ago as the world was eagerly caught up in the idea of 2000. Once I employed a longer horizon of time I astounded myself with how my life has changed! Ten years ago I didn't even have an idea of what community development was let alone the training or inclination to move my career in that direction. And though I had been in a number of leadership positions the past ten years I've grown into the type of leader I had always looked up to. I've now got the life experience and maturity to really offer something of value. Once upon a time leadership drained me, now it feeds me. That is a change that comes from a significant shift deep inside.
So 2009 didn't turn out the way I preferred, but maybe that only means something even more appropriate and meaningful is headed my way in 2010. And what will I create in my life over the next decade? I have the tools now to make more meaningful contributions to my community and my family. Sometimes its good to stand on the mountain and notice how beautiful the valley that you traveled through really was.
23 December 2009
Creating & Honoring Traditions and Rituals
This time of year is filled with traditions and ritual. Even if we are not practicing Christians or observing the Christmas holiday in a Christian church we will still find that there are layers of secular tradition that have grown up with us around this time of year. Now is a good time to take a look at all those traditions and rituals to see which ones serve us best and contribute to our personal well-being and growth.
The tradition of gift giving is one to look at closely. Are we experiencing joy through this giving or do we do it because we feel it is expected? We decided that other than a few homemade or "experience" gifts that our giving would be limited to just the children in our family. This is the kind of giving that gives my husband and I joy. We have more fun shopping for a 3 year old than we ever would for ourselves or for a family member that can buy themselves anything they want.
Traveling to see family is another tradition to examine. Being together is a wonderful thing, but is it causing a hardship for someone to travel across the country just because they "always have"? Maybe another time of year would be less stressful for a family gathering. Presents can always be exchanged in July!
Another thing to look at is how we be carrying old, worn-out roles into our family gatherings. As adults I think its important to re-imagine those roles and see our family members whole, perfect and complete humans and treat them as we want to be treated, not falling into old familiar roles of siblings, parents or children.
Leadership is about constantly looking for a better way while still holding on to the tradition and continuity that create some stability and comfort. I invite you to keep what serves you and release what doesn't during these holy days.
The tradition of gift giving is one to look at closely. Are we experiencing joy through this giving or do we do it because we feel it is expected? We decided that other than a few homemade or "experience" gifts that our giving would be limited to just the children in our family. This is the kind of giving that gives my husband and I joy. We have more fun shopping for a 3 year old than we ever would for ourselves or for a family member that can buy themselves anything they want.
Traveling to see family is another tradition to examine. Being together is a wonderful thing, but is it causing a hardship for someone to travel across the country just because they "always have"? Maybe another time of year would be less stressful for a family gathering. Presents can always be exchanged in July!
Another thing to look at is how we be carrying old, worn-out roles into our family gatherings. As adults I think its important to re-imagine those roles and see our family members whole, perfect and complete humans and treat them as we want to be treated, not falling into old familiar roles of siblings, parents or children.
Leadership is about constantly looking for a better way while still holding on to the tradition and continuity that create some stability and comfort. I invite you to keep what serves you and release what doesn't during these holy days.
17 December 2009
Slow Down, Contemplate
The season is finally upon us. Christmas? Hanukkah? Kwanza? No, it's the season of "Out of Office" Auto Replies. My email inbox is filled with them today, December 17th, one week from Christmas Eve. There is the equally long list of simply no replies from people in various businesses such as insurance and hospitality who don't even have time to look at emails right now. Such is the push and pull of this winding it down time of year.
As my calendar filled up for December with meetings, parties, special events and family gatherings I found myself mentally resisting each additional obligation. I've become quite good the past few years at saying "no" to things that don't really serve me but even the things I wanted to attend and knew would leave me feeling good afterwards created a sensation of rebellion deep in my soul.
Does this happen to you as we approach the winter solstice? Something about this time of year when the days are short and sunlight precious makes me want to slow down and enter into a state of deep contemplation. It feels elemental, earth-bound, like a tree forcing its roots deeper into the winter soil. It reminds me that answers to life's most vexing questions come from within and something within us relishes the search.
So, you may find me in the late afternoons with my hands wrapped around a cup of hot tea letting the heat from the cup works its way into my skeleton. What you might not realize is that my mind has moved deep into the earth, finding the nourishment to bloom and grow when spring arrives.
As my calendar filled up for December with meetings, parties, special events and family gatherings I found myself mentally resisting each additional obligation. I've become quite good the past few years at saying "no" to things that don't really serve me but even the things I wanted to attend and knew would leave me feeling good afterwards created a sensation of rebellion deep in my soul.
Does this happen to you as we approach the winter solstice? Something about this time of year when the days are short and sunlight precious makes me want to slow down and enter into a state of deep contemplation. It feels elemental, earth-bound, like a tree forcing its roots deeper into the winter soil. It reminds me that answers to life's most vexing questions come from within and something within us relishes the search.
So, you may find me in the late afternoons with my hands wrapped around a cup of hot tea letting the heat from the cup works its way into my skeleton. What you might not realize is that my mind has moved deep into the earth, finding the nourishment to bloom and grow when spring arrives.
13 December 2009
Honoring our Diversity
Congratulations to the newly elected Mayor of Houston, Annise Parker. She ran an effective campaign centered mostly on fiscal responsibility and now she has the opportunity to walk her talk. Much has been and will be made of the fact that she is a lesbian and the first openly gay person to be elected mayor of a large city in the United States. From the standpoint of a marginalized and persecuted minority this is a day of great celebration, much like like watching an African American become President. I applaud Ms. Parker for not ever making her minority status the centerpiece of her public service or her campaigns. I believe she understands to lead effectively that we must honor and celebrate our differences, but recognize that we are all more alike than we are different.
I'm encouraged that we seem to be moving towards a place where what makes us different from one another no longer divides. We've spent too many years tearing each other down over superficial separateness instead of recognizing that we are all human, all children of the One, all valuable.
I recently had the opportunity to take part in an exercise that is meant to lead to a plan for community redevelopment. Inclusiveness was agreed early on to be a key part of the process to come. Every citizen should have the opportunity to say what is on their mind and contribute to a shared vision. I don't think it will take a crystal ball to know that most will want very similar things: safety for their family, good schools for their children, beautiful and accessible public spaces, abundant jobs and opportunities for advancement. I don't believe the color of anyone's skin or their sexuality will have any significant impact on the choices they would make for their community. We may have disagreement on the best way to get from the point we are at now to that shared vision, but that is a good thing and is the place we should be debating.
So, to Ms. Parker and all who aspire to bring their differences and their experiences to bear for the public good: thank you! It would have been easier to stay home or tucked away in a safer arena where your differences wouldn't be exploited as something to be feared. Instead you chose to fight the good fight and bring us a little closer to a time where any differences we have we be celebrated and not feared.
I'm encouraged that we seem to be moving towards a place where what makes us different from one another no longer divides. We've spent too many years tearing each other down over superficial separateness instead of recognizing that we are all human, all children of the One, all valuable.
I recently had the opportunity to take part in an exercise that is meant to lead to a plan for community redevelopment. Inclusiveness was agreed early on to be a key part of the process to come. Every citizen should have the opportunity to say what is on their mind and contribute to a shared vision. I don't think it will take a crystal ball to know that most will want very similar things: safety for their family, good schools for their children, beautiful and accessible public spaces, abundant jobs and opportunities for advancement. I don't believe the color of anyone's skin or their sexuality will have any significant impact on the choices they would make for their community. We may have disagreement on the best way to get from the point we are at now to that shared vision, but that is a good thing and is the place we should be debating.
So, to Ms. Parker and all who aspire to bring their differences and their experiences to bear for the public good: thank you! It would have been easier to stay home or tucked away in a safer arena where your differences wouldn't be exploited as something to be feared. Instead you chose to fight the good fight and bring us a little closer to a time where any differences we have we be celebrated and not feared.
02 December 2009
Leadership Lessons from the Yoga Mat
A little over four years ago I finally got serious about commiting to a regular yoga practice. I'd enjoyed yoga sporadically over the years but had never been good at keeping up any regularity. I've found that the physical benefits have been greater than I ever anticipated: strength, flexibity, balance, better sleep. But the mental and spiritual benefits have been just as wonderful and just as needed. As I've taken this journey deeper into my practice I've also noticed that there are many lessons learned on the yoga mat that have great applications to effective and ethical leadership. Here are a few:
1) Let go of comparison and judgment. Everyone's physical gifts and challenges are different and the only comparison that is valid is with how your body is responding from one practice to another. This applies equally to our skills and aptitudes in other areas of life.
2) Breathe deeply and notice your breath. One of the basic lessons in yoga is that everything connects to our breath. Breathing brings you out of your head and into your body. Noticing the breath brings you into the present moment, which is the only place you totally control.
3) Push yourself, stretch your limits. Yoga can be much more physically demanding than I ever imagined and there have been many times, stuck in a challenging pose, that I've wanted to give up. Learning to breathe through it and hold the pose a bit longer has taught me great lessons of perseverence.
4) Remember to fully relax when you are done with your practice. I'll admit after a hard 90 minute practice corpse pose is my favorite in the whole asana repertoire. A good reminder that we should always relax, celebrate and play after completing a strenous endeavor.
5) Age is not an excuse. I'm inspired by yogis that are my age and older. I marvel at how bendy and strong some of the "older" yogis are that I know and I aspire to be like them. And it is a good reminder that we are never too old to try something new and follow our hearts.
These are just a few of the most obvious lessons I've learned while on my sticky mat. I'm always amazed by the insights and answers that come during and after a practice so I'm grateful and willingly stay open to those rays of light. Namaste!
1) Let go of comparison and judgment. Everyone's physical gifts and challenges are different and the only comparison that is valid is with how your body is responding from one practice to another. This applies equally to our skills and aptitudes in other areas of life.
2) Breathe deeply and notice your breath. One of the basic lessons in yoga is that everything connects to our breath. Breathing brings you out of your head and into your body. Noticing the breath brings you into the present moment, which is the only place you totally control.
3) Push yourself, stretch your limits. Yoga can be much more physically demanding than I ever imagined and there have been many times, stuck in a challenging pose, that I've wanted to give up. Learning to breathe through it and hold the pose a bit longer has taught me great lessons of perseverence.
4) Remember to fully relax when you are done with your practice. I'll admit after a hard 90 minute practice corpse pose is my favorite in the whole asana repertoire. A good reminder that we should always relax, celebrate and play after completing a strenous endeavor.
5) Age is not an excuse. I'm inspired by yogis that are my age and older. I marvel at how bendy and strong some of the "older" yogis are that I know and I aspire to be like them. And it is a good reminder that we are never too old to try something new and follow our hearts.
These are just a few of the most obvious lessons I've learned while on my sticky mat. I'm always amazed by the insights and answers that come during and after a practice so I'm grateful and willingly stay open to those rays of light. Namaste!
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About Me
- Jill Boullion
- Houston, TX, United States
- I've led a lot and followed plenty of times, too. All these experiences have given me some interesting perspective into what makes someone a leader worth following. And what constitutes ethical leadership? We usually can smell it when's it not, so let's find the examples in the world of people leading in an ethical and authentic way! My passion is community leadership but I think the lessons of leadership transcend place and specifics. I'd love to hear what you think about leadership!