"Tough" Times Call for Leadership with Heart

It seems not a day goes by that I don't hear of another friend, or friend of a friend, getting laid off or having their umpteenth second interview, but never a job offer, and today was no different. I always prefer to focus on the "good" but sometimes we need to look at what "is" and find a way to be with it and not label it good or bad. The truth is that many people are struggling right now and though our family is having struggles we know that there are many that didn't have the resources to fall back on that we're blessed to have.

Times like these seem to call out for leadership with real heart and soul. In fact, it feels like we're being given the opportunity to remember what is truly important, which is love, relationships, family, faith, community, serving others, and being really present in the here and now. I'm trying to focus every day on what is within my control and many times the only thing I can control is how I choose to feel about what is happening around me!

So, how can we lead and nurture others when the world is spinning out of control around us? First, focus on being really present and listening to those you are with. Now, more than ever, we each have the desire to be really heard. Secondly, utilize our networks and abilities to help someone in need move their process forward a step, if that's what they are truly wanting. If it feels like they just want an excuse to stay stuck where they are then bless them and allow them to stay where they feel safest. And, most importantly, now is the time to be a light in the world and if you have the resources to give, then find a way to do so. That friend who's just been through their fifteenth second interview in the past nine months would probably appreciate a cup of coffee and a good friend!

Leadership and Love in Action

Thank you to my friend Rev. Patty Rumpza for sending me this via email last week. It really was such a lesson of love in action and a beautiful way to look at leadership.

In the Babemba tribe in Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he/she is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the "accused" individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, about all the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy is recounted. All his/her positive attributes, good deeds, strengths and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. The tribal ceremony often lasts several days.

The tribe recognizes that the correction for non-integrous behavior is not punishment, but love and the remembrance of identity. They believe a friend, coach, or teacher, is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. They are not fooled by the mistakes you have made or the dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

One of the most important lessons we can learn from evolution is that we are related to all that lives. Consider the fact that your personal DNA is 99.99 % identical to the DNA of every other human being, and to all that has ever lived. Once we begin to include ourselves in the story that we are no longer on an individual journey, we have joined the grand caravan of "endless forms -most beautiful and wonderful". This is cooperation and collaboration at it's core essence.

I am so grateful to have people in my life who remember who I really am whenever I forget. My wish is that you do, too. Namaste!

Leadership Lessons I Learned from My Parents

In case you don't already realize that your kids are going to end up learning more from watching your actions then from anything you ever tell them, consider everything you model in your life that came from watching your parents! Today I have been ruminating on the leadership lessons my parents taught me without ever saying a word.

First, some background that might help put my story into perspective. Though I now live in the fourth largest city in America, Houston, situated in the south along the Gulf coast, I was born and raised smack dab in the middle of the country, officially in the middle of nowhere, in Superior, Nebraska. If everyone fills out the census form they barely hit 2,000. Growing up in a community of that size is a completely different experience than living in a big city. Everybody knows who you are and what you're up to. There's literally no place to hide. Consequently your actions can have larger consequences (both good and bad) as they ripple out at the speed of lightening.

My mother was a teacher in the school system, my father a chemist at the local cement manufacturing facility. Here's some of the leadership lessons they taught me by example:

1) Give back to your community. From the library board to the school board, church activities, fundraisers, men's and women's groups, my parents always found time to be actively involved in making the community better. Now that they are Texans they continue that example.

2) A reputation is built one relationship, one action, one word at a time and is the most valuable thing you own.

3) A bad reputation can be created and maintained much easier than a good one.... so don't go there!

4) Accept everyone and welcome their input and contributions. We are all part of the human family and have intrinsic value. Everyone can contribute at some level and at some time.

5) Don't let other people define you or limit you. My dad told me once that the "cream always rises to the top" and I know now that we all have that good inside of us (the cream) and we just need to find it and use it.

6) The pioneering spirit didn't die with the last sod house or log cabin.

7) Treat others the way you want to be treated. Even family... especially family!

I'm certain as soon as I close this blog post I'll think of other leadership lessons my parents taught me, but this seems like a good place to start and stop. I'm truly grateful to have parents that continue to teach me how to be in the world and I hope that I can pay that lesson forward.

Graceful Leaders

Saturday evening I attended the Federation of Houston Professional Women's "Women of Excellence" Gala, which is an annual event where a woman from each member organization is honored for her leadership, career accomplishments, and community involvement. It was a lovely event honoring nearly 40 women and I remembered very clearly how nervous and honored I was in 2004 when it was me up on that stage in front of hundreds of people. And how grateful I was that my strapless gown stayed where I wanted it to!

What struck me this year as I watched each woman take the stage was how diverse a group it was. Young, old, white, brown and black and everything in between. It made me proud to be a woman who supports and is supported by other women. Each woman had different abilities, different skills and talents, but the unifying theme was that she was using these abilities, skills and talents to lift up the women in her immediate circle and the community at large. I was particularly impressed by the stunningly youthful seventy year old grandmother who had recently gone sky diving with her eighteen year old grandson. Now, that is a grandmother to emulate!

Men and women has so much of value to learn from one another and women can certainly show the way to appreciate each other in such a gracious manner. I'm grateful I was able to spend some time in the company of such accomplished, gentle and powerful women.

More on Leadership and Loss

Eckhart Tolle writes in his book The New Earth, "What is lost on the level of form is gained on the level of essence."

I had to go back and read that over several times and then sit with it awhile before really appreciating the layers of meaning contained in that sentence. One meaning certainly speaks to leadership because we so often strive for the trappings of authority that can be seen and acknowledged on the outside: titles, awards, position, money, stuff.  This is one of the places where the rubber meets the road in acting as an ethical leader. Sometimes being ethical, taking the high road, is the hard thing to do and we hesitate because of the possibility of "negative" consequences: being fired, losing a position of authority, losing a friend, embarrassment, shame or ridicule and we go along with something we know in our gut is wrong. There are times when we need to admit, publicly, that we've been wrong or misled someone.

The idea of losing credibility or "face" can often hold us back from doing or saying what we know is right. But if we are truly committed to leadership and prepared to lose those outward signs of power then the real gains start to become apparent. Perhaps we need to think about the gain in "essence" that we create by doing the right thing.

The World Just Keeps Getting Smaller

Yesterday at an ABWA luncheon I met a lovely lady from Chile who now lives and works in Houston was visiting our group for the first time. The person who brought her wanted her to tell us the story of how she came to live in the United States. Her tale began with how she had followed in the footsteps of others in her family and attended a small, liberal arts college in Nebraska. "Nebraska?", I quickly piped in since this is my home state. She graduated from Hastings College in Hastings, NE which is where my paternal grandmother lived and 60 miles from my hometown of Superior. And then when she asked me where my hometown was we discovered that we had something else in common. Her sister-in-law is from Superior! Those of you from Houston and other large metropolitan areas would probably be laughing at my astonishment, but when you find out that Superior has a population under 2,500 you could probably deduce that the odds of us meeting and having this in common are quite high! And, her sister-in-law's father worked for the same company as my father did.

This lovely lady and I have promised to get together soon for coffee and explore our shared connection and get to know other things about each other. When the Universe sends some synchronicity like this my way I try not to ignore it because you never know what good will unfold as a result.

Can Loss Make You a Better Leader?

Losses come into all our lives. Loss comes dressed many ways: death, divorce, accident, disease, unemployment, business failure, financial setback, and countless others. Sometimes the losses we feel the most profoundly are those that aren't even known or acknowledged by anyone but ourselves or those closest to us. 2008 was a year I will remember many losses in my life. A close aunt and uncle died within months of one another, two beloved cats died five days apart, someone I looked up to and trusted severed our relationship, my husband was involved in a car accident, our business suffered along with many others in the recent financial and economic crisis. All of those things I mourned in different degrees. Recently, however, I found out that mourning the loss of a dream may be just as challenging. I had worked for many months to prepare myself to interview and be selected for the job I just knew was the culmination of everything I'd done in my life up until now. It was so real I could feel it with all five of my senses! I would be working for an organization I respected and, most importantly, for a person I greatly admired and wanted to emulate. It was the opportunity of a lifetime and, I thought, the start of the "second half" of my career.

Unfortunately it wasn't to be. I was devastated to get the phone call telling me I was their "second choice". All the sudden, stranded by the side of the road with no map, I wondered how I was going to get to the destination I know is on the horizon. I've been leaning on those gurus, guides and girlfriends I've written about before and learning a lot from this unexpected growth opportunity.

Here are just a few of the things I've figured out so far:
1) The true essence of who I am has not changed a bit from this loss. No loss can take that away from me. Whether you call that God, Spirit or whatever it is the unchangeable core of who we all are.
2) Organizations need leaders with real heart who know what loss feels like. Especially community organizations that serve people in times of need. Loss can create empathy for others and that is a valuable gift to offer the world.
3) When your world cracks open you eventually discover the jewels. Those gifts of great value are becoming apparent to me more and more each day as I move through the process of letting go of that dream.

This process of renewal is still unfolding and I'm not sure where the road will lead because I'm still searching for that new map. But now I know that until I find a new direction I already have all the resources I need to create a new dream.

Creating Rituals for Renewal

It seems fitting that on the sabbath I'm thinking about the importance of renewing the spirit and the impact that has on leadership ability. In 2009, in our "Oprahized" world do we even need to discuss how important it is for everyone to practice self care? No, I didn't think so! Yet, since we are so knowledgeable about this why do we so seldom practice what we know? Why do we continue to put so many things on the top of the list before we come to "me"?

Perhaps we believe that self-renewal must always be a lengthy and involved process: a week-long retreat, a weekend spent at a spa or out in nature, a twice weekly class, hobby or project. Believe me, I'm all in favor of the most self-indulgent ways to renew ourselves but it isn't realistic to believe we'll always have the resources (time and/or money) to take advantage of those. What if we looked at self-renewal in different ways? A short list:

Hot cup of tea
Church
Lunch with a supportive friend
Prayer or meditation
Listening to music that uplifts
A good book
A walk in the woods, or along the beach
Playing with a pet
Singing, loudly, in the car
Journaling (or blogging!)
Massage
Exercise
Watching a funny movie
Lighting a candle and watching it burn
Hot bath
Gardening
Fishing
Bird watching
Sailing
Watching the clouds

A year ago, after Hurricane Ike hit, we lost the modern conveniences we've become so accustomed to and for awhile my mind struggled against the emptiness. I went outside after the clouds and rain had passed, laid down on my deck and watched the clouds pass over me, changing and morphing shapes, for the longest time since I was a kid. What a gift!

None of us can be effective leaders in our families, companies, or communities unless we take the time to recharge our own batteries. Let's try to remember that sometimes just five minutes is all it takes.

Communicating our Expectations

In my experience one of the most challenging things about being in a leadership position is the clear communication of expectations. I've tripped up over this before and I've seen more relationships derailed from a lack of clearly communicated expecatations than I can count. Over the desk in my office I have on the wall a copy of "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz and there is one of the agreements that I think speaks directly to this issue:

"Don't Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life."

Of course, abiding by that agreement requires us to be clear about what we really want and sometimes that is a lot of work! We have to be willing to spend some time away from the constant noise and chatter that we allow into our lives to be able to get clear about what we want. It's easy to allow those distractions to keep us away from checking in with ourselves, but even 5-10 minutes a day spent in quiet contemplation can make a lot of difference. And don't be afraid to tell the person you are communicating with "you know, I need to get clear about what I am expecting in this situation, so let me consider that and get back with you." Better to wait than to risk the relationship.

There's No Debate Leadership is Required

Last friday I attended a Houston Mayoral Candidate Debate hosted by the North Houston-Greenspoint Chamber of Commerce (http://www.nhgcc.org) and it got me thinking about the type of leadership needed in the political realm. The city of Houston is very fortunate to have a selection of candidates running that really represents the amazing diversity of the country's fourth largest metropolitan area and they each had the opportunity to articulate their experience, their goals and their vision.

Running a campaign seems like a lot of hard work to me, but if they are truly energized by the political process it should be a joyful experience for them. It seems to me that the ideal person must balance the managerial skills to run a large organization, and also be able to inspire people with a vision of something different or better. Managers aren't typically inspiring, but leaders usually are. Some leaders are good managers, others aren't. Where does the ideal point of balance sit between the two skill sets?

Speaking of balance, leadership in the political realm also involves balancing your own views and opinions with those of the people you represent. There are a million shades of gray between black and white and about that many differing opinions on so many issues. A good political leader has to know where the ideal point of balance is there as well.

So, during the debate I listened as each candidate described how they would manage the process of running the city and also listened for clues about their leadership style and what their "big picture" vision consisted of.  It was fascinating to see how, as they spoke, their personal styles became apparent through their words but also through their facial expressions, their dress and their style of language. I'll be continuing to watch this process to see how it unfolds and what leadership lessons it contains.

Labor Day: Honoring Our Work in This World

I am truly grateful to have this day created to honor labor. Labor has become a word with a bit of a negative connotation, as we usually associate it with hard, grueling, backbreaking, sweaty physical work. It certainly can mean that and it can also mean the joyful labor undertaken to bring a new life into this world. Today I want to take a moment to honor my labor, my work, my career and recognize that it brings meaning not only to my life, but to the lives of others. I also honor the labor of all human citizens of this world and the interconnectedness that our labor creates. If you get down to the real core of why we work isn't it really so we can be in community with one another? Sure, its a way of creating energy out and then the energy in typically looks like money or goods or services. There's just so much community and co-creation in work and if we can find the joy in our labors we can tap into that divine undercurrent within each other.

I am especially grateful today for all those who labor in careers that I choose not to do: nurses, child care workers, construction workers, garbage men, firemen, police officers, food processors, politicians and many others. And here's another joyful shout out to all those who chose the labor of being parents, stepparents, and foster parents. I vow to move into my week of work with a new appreciation for my mind and hands and the creation that results by their actions as well as all those who I labor with and those who support my lifestyle with their labors.

Gurus, Guides and Girlfriends

I like the title of this blog post so much I might write a whole book on the subject some day! I think these three "G's" are important to keeping my inner life centered and my inner light shining. Now, I don't want to get overly serious about the word "guru". Some people give that word an evil intent and think it's about control or overt influence, when really its simply an intellectual or spiritual guide. I've never been a very religious person, although I am comforted by ritual, it's just the dogma that makes me itchy. I have had some gurus though, some semi-official and others who had no idea they held such an esteemed place in my consciousness. I used to think a guru had to be a lifelong relationship and deliver you to the ultimate promised land of enlightenment, but now I know that gurus are with you for as long as their knowledge is needed or applicable and then you are free to move on and find another guru... or not!

Guides are important, too, when it comes to leadership and life. A guide is usually someone who isn't a mentor in the official sense, but you look up to them and use their words and actions as inspiration. Even someone going through a really rough patch can be a guide. I am inspired by watching people I admire handle the quirks and craziness of life that come along, sometimes gracefully, sometimes kicking and screaming the whole way! Wow, this fabulous person I think so much of is really just like me. That inspires me.

And girlfriends. Let the women of the world not forget their girlfriends. I am blessed to have a husband who is my partner and my best friend in the whole world, but even he has his limits. Men will only walk around a problem with you and look at it from every angle for a finite time and then it's "you've got to get over this". Girlfriends never say "you've got to get over this". Never. They will gently remind you that the tsunami of pain and disappointment that is washing over you at the time in no way changes the essence of who you are. A real girlfriend will go to battle for you, a warrior by your side.

Sometimes you'll be blessed to find someone who fits all three roles for a time. Here's to my gurus, my guides and my girlfriends. Three essential tools for this leader.

Nurturing a Young Leader

Last night I attended my P.E.O. chapter's monthly meeting (www.peointernational.org). As usual I was tired from a day of work and not really wanting to go. Staying home and watching a movie sounded so much more appealing, but I know from experience that I would be missing an important part of feeding my spirit if I didn't attend.

This chapter has been my home since 1984 and it was the scene of my first, real adult leadership experience. Not long after joining the chapter I was asked to take on the easiest of our seven officer roles. I accepted and it helped me learn so much about the organizations and my sisters. Within four years I found myself in the position of chapter president and probably one the youngest chapter members at that time. I was astounded that these "older", worldly women would want me to lead the chapter for this two-year commitment and I was very nervous about taking that on since my husband and I had just started our own business. But, I dove in headfirst and what a learning experience it was. I certainly made plenty of leadership mistakes and missteps. I would get frustrated that I couldn't change things faster or get 100% member involvement. I was the typical young leader who thought it was all about me and all up to me.

But, what a gift that experience in that particular place and time was! You see, my P.E.O. sisters allowed me to fly with my young, fledgling leadership wings and they were always there to support me and pick me up when I crashed to the ground. Their course corrections came in the way of loving hands and hearts and words. I could not have learned about leadership in a more supportive, loving environment. Looking back I am astounded that I had that gift because so few leaders get that.... I know that now.

So, let's look for places and ways we can support and nurture others who are young to leadership.... no matter how seasoned they may be.

Integrity: When Words and Actions Align

Integrity is, in my mind, a huge and necessary component of ethical leadership. When I look back over my experience in leadership positions and I notice when I felt uncomfortable or exposed it was usually because what I was saying and what I was doing weren't matching up. Sometimes as leaders we say certain things hoping that saying them will make them so and alleviate the need to be honest and possibly perceived as being negative. Or sometimes we tell one person a different version of the "truth" thinking that because of our relationship or their status that it will make things easier.

Or things on our end, behind the scenes, start to change and we don't let others know that the story we relayed with such confidence before isn't how things are really going to look. We're unable to face up to our responsibility to be honest and hide behind an organization, a process, a committee, or another leader.

My hope is in this blog we can own up to our own leadership blunders and missteps, learn from them, learn from those demonstrating leadership in its highest form, and use our hard won leadership skills to create a better community where ever we live, work and play.