"I'm O.K., You're O.K." This phrase is embedded in our cultural vernacular and I seemed to remember it was the title of a book so I checked Wikipedia to confirm that. It was released in 1969 by psychiatrist Thomas Harris, made it on to the best seller list in 1972 and stayed there for two years. I wasn't into self-help books in grade school, so I never read it! But the phrase came right to mind as I was thinking about my subject for today's blog post: acceptance.
How often do we give ourselves and those around us the gift of acceptance? We learn early on in life that there's a never ending list of things we need to change about ourselves. Parents do it both consciously and unconsciously when they see us behaving in ways that make them uncomfortable. We hear "big girls don't cry" or "we don't do xx out in public" or "calm down". Teachers and schools push us into conformity and even the most obedient of children either don't quite fit the mold or long to push the envelope of proper behavior. Media, movies, magazines and books show us how to act and look to fit in, be popular, make money, find love, be happy.
What happens when we decide to accept ourselves the way we are and, in turn, accept those around us as they are? I'm not confusing acceptance of self with resignation from or refusal to improve or grow. What I mean is acceptance of where I am. Right now. Where you are. Right now.
Try it on. It's very freeing. It feels good to drop the mask and the labels, at least part of the time and just BE. And what a gift it is to give someone acceptance. It's really a lot of hard work for me to constantly wish you were something other than what you are. And maybe, just maybe, some of this behavior that I don't like comes from your struggle against my notions of who and what you should be.
So, let's just relax a bit in 2010 and try to accept one another. We might be surprised how much we like living that way.
31 December 2009
28 December 2009
Taking the LONG View
A few nights ago I was wallowing in a bit of self pity. As the year winds down its easy to think that I've been stuck in the same place in my life. Maybe its the short days or all the cold, rainy ones we've been having. Or maybe there's just a few more feelings hiding away that need to be acknowledged and released.
I remember how I felt a year ago. I was so excited about how 2009 was to unfold. It seemed like I had finally put everything into place that would help me create the next stage of life. The experiences, the education, the training, the network. It was all there and the perfect opportunity I had been waiting for seemed within my reach. It didn't work out the way I had envisioned. Does that mean I'm not making progress? In my quick turnaround life of emails, posts, tweets and instant downloads its easy to get caught up in the short term view.
I started thinking about where I was ten years ago as the world was eagerly caught up in the idea of 2000. Once I employed a longer horizon of time I astounded myself with how my life has changed! Ten years ago I didn't even have an idea of what community development was let alone the training or inclination to move my career in that direction. And though I had been in a number of leadership positions the past ten years I've grown into the type of leader I had always looked up to. I've now got the life experience and maturity to really offer something of value. Once upon a time leadership drained me, now it feeds me. That is a change that comes from a significant shift deep inside.
So 2009 didn't turn out the way I preferred, but maybe that only means something even more appropriate and meaningful is headed my way in 2010. And what will I create in my life over the next decade? I have the tools now to make more meaningful contributions to my community and my family. Sometimes its good to stand on the mountain and notice how beautiful the valley that you traveled through really was.
I remember how I felt a year ago. I was so excited about how 2009 was to unfold. It seemed like I had finally put everything into place that would help me create the next stage of life. The experiences, the education, the training, the network. It was all there and the perfect opportunity I had been waiting for seemed within my reach. It didn't work out the way I had envisioned. Does that mean I'm not making progress? In my quick turnaround life of emails, posts, tweets and instant downloads its easy to get caught up in the short term view.
I started thinking about where I was ten years ago as the world was eagerly caught up in the idea of 2000. Once I employed a longer horizon of time I astounded myself with how my life has changed! Ten years ago I didn't even have an idea of what community development was let alone the training or inclination to move my career in that direction. And though I had been in a number of leadership positions the past ten years I've grown into the type of leader I had always looked up to. I've now got the life experience and maturity to really offer something of value. Once upon a time leadership drained me, now it feeds me. That is a change that comes from a significant shift deep inside.
So 2009 didn't turn out the way I preferred, but maybe that only means something even more appropriate and meaningful is headed my way in 2010. And what will I create in my life over the next decade? I have the tools now to make more meaningful contributions to my community and my family. Sometimes its good to stand on the mountain and notice how beautiful the valley that you traveled through really was.
23 December 2009
Creating & Honoring Traditions and Rituals
This time of year is filled with traditions and ritual. Even if we are not practicing Christians or observing the Christmas holiday in a Christian church we will still find that there are layers of secular tradition that have grown up with us around this time of year. Now is a good time to take a look at all those traditions and rituals to see which ones serve us best and contribute to our personal well-being and growth.
The tradition of gift giving is one to look at closely. Are we experiencing joy through this giving or do we do it because we feel it is expected? We decided that other than a few homemade or "experience" gifts that our giving would be limited to just the children in our family. This is the kind of giving that gives my husband and I joy. We have more fun shopping for a 3 year old than we ever would for ourselves or for a family member that can buy themselves anything they want.
Traveling to see family is another tradition to examine. Being together is a wonderful thing, but is it causing a hardship for someone to travel across the country just because they "always have"? Maybe another time of year would be less stressful for a family gathering. Presents can always be exchanged in July!
Another thing to look at is how we be carrying old, worn-out roles into our family gatherings. As adults I think its important to re-imagine those roles and see our family members whole, perfect and complete humans and treat them as we want to be treated, not falling into old familiar roles of siblings, parents or children.
Leadership is about constantly looking for a better way while still holding on to the tradition and continuity that create some stability and comfort. I invite you to keep what serves you and release what doesn't during these holy days.
The tradition of gift giving is one to look at closely. Are we experiencing joy through this giving or do we do it because we feel it is expected? We decided that other than a few homemade or "experience" gifts that our giving would be limited to just the children in our family. This is the kind of giving that gives my husband and I joy. We have more fun shopping for a 3 year old than we ever would for ourselves or for a family member that can buy themselves anything they want.
Traveling to see family is another tradition to examine. Being together is a wonderful thing, but is it causing a hardship for someone to travel across the country just because they "always have"? Maybe another time of year would be less stressful for a family gathering. Presents can always be exchanged in July!
Another thing to look at is how we be carrying old, worn-out roles into our family gatherings. As adults I think its important to re-imagine those roles and see our family members whole, perfect and complete humans and treat them as we want to be treated, not falling into old familiar roles of siblings, parents or children.
Leadership is about constantly looking for a better way while still holding on to the tradition and continuity that create some stability and comfort. I invite you to keep what serves you and release what doesn't during these holy days.
17 December 2009
Slow Down, Contemplate
The season is finally upon us. Christmas? Hanukkah? Kwanza? No, it's the season of "Out of Office" Auto Replies. My email inbox is filled with them today, December 17th, one week from Christmas Eve. There is the equally long list of simply no replies from people in various businesses such as insurance and hospitality who don't even have time to look at emails right now. Such is the push and pull of this winding it down time of year.
As my calendar filled up for December with meetings, parties, special events and family gatherings I found myself mentally resisting each additional obligation. I've become quite good the past few years at saying "no" to things that don't really serve me but even the things I wanted to attend and knew would leave me feeling good afterwards created a sensation of rebellion deep in my soul.
Does this happen to you as we approach the winter solstice? Something about this time of year when the days are short and sunlight precious makes me want to slow down and enter into a state of deep contemplation. It feels elemental, earth-bound, like a tree forcing its roots deeper into the winter soil. It reminds me that answers to life's most vexing questions come from within and something within us relishes the search.
So, you may find me in the late afternoons with my hands wrapped around a cup of hot tea letting the heat from the cup works its way into my skeleton. What you might not realize is that my mind has moved deep into the earth, finding the nourishment to bloom and grow when spring arrives.
As my calendar filled up for December with meetings, parties, special events and family gatherings I found myself mentally resisting each additional obligation. I've become quite good the past few years at saying "no" to things that don't really serve me but even the things I wanted to attend and knew would leave me feeling good afterwards created a sensation of rebellion deep in my soul.
Does this happen to you as we approach the winter solstice? Something about this time of year when the days are short and sunlight precious makes me want to slow down and enter into a state of deep contemplation. It feels elemental, earth-bound, like a tree forcing its roots deeper into the winter soil. It reminds me that answers to life's most vexing questions come from within and something within us relishes the search.
So, you may find me in the late afternoons with my hands wrapped around a cup of hot tea letting the heat from the cup works its way into my skeleton. What you might not realize is that my mind has moved deep into the earth, finding the nourishment to bloom and grow when spring arrives.
13 December 2009
Honoring our Diversity
Congratulations to the newly elected Mayor of Houston, Annise Parker. She ran an effective campaign centered mostly on fiscal responsibility and now she has the opportunity to walk her talk. Much has been and will be made of the fact that she is a lesbian and the first openly gay person to be elected mayor of a large city in the United States. From the standpoint of a marginalized and persecuted minority this is a day of great celebration, much like like watching an African American become President. I applaud Ms. Parker for not ever making her minority status the centerpiece of her public service or her campaigns. I believe she understands to lead effectively that we must honor and celebrate our differences, but recognize that we are all more alike than we are different.
I'm encouraged that we seem to be moving towards a place where what makes us different from one another no longer divides. We've spent too many years tearing each other down over superficial separateness instead of recognizing that we are all human, all children of the One, all valuable.
I recently had the opportunity to take part in an exercise that is meant to lead to a plan for community redevelopment. Inclusiveness was agreed early on to be a key part of the process to come. Every citizen should have the opportunity to say what is on their mind and contribute to a shared vision. I don't think it will take a crystal ball to know that most will want very similar things: safety for their family, good schools for their children, beautiful and accessible public spaces, abundant jobs and opportunities for advancement. I don't believe the color of anyone's skin or their sexuality will have any significant impact on the choices they would make for their community. We may have disagreement on the best way to get from the point we are at now to that shared vision, but that is a good thing and is the place we should be debating.
So, to Ms. Parker and all who aspire to bring their differences and their experiences to bear for the public good: thank you! It would have been easier to stay home or tucked away in a safer arena where your differences wouldn't be exploited as something to be feared. Instead you chose to fight the good fight and bring us a little closer to a time where any differences we have we be celebrated and not feared.
I'm encouraged that we seem to be moving towards a place where what makes us different from one another no longer divides. We've spent too many years tearing each other down over superficial separateness instead of recognizing that we are all human, all children of the One, all valuable.
I recently had the opportunity to take part in an exercise that is meant to lead to a plan for community redevelopment. Inclusiveness was agreed early on to be a key part of the process to come. Every citizen should have the opportunity to say what is on their mind and contribute to a shared vision. I don't think it will take a crystal ball to know that most will want very similar things: safety for their family, good schools for their children, beautiful and accessible public spaces, abundant jobs and opportunities for advancement. I don't believe the color of anyone's skin or their sexuality will have any significant impact on the choices they would make for their community. We may have disagreement on the best way to get from the point we are at now to that shared vision, but that is a good thing and is the place we should be debating.
So, to Ms. Parker and all who aspire to bring their differences and their experiences to bear for the public good: thank you! It would have been easier to stay home or tucked away in a safer arena where your differences wouldn't be exploited as something to be feared. Instead you chose to fight the good fight and bring us a little closer to a time where any differences we have we be celebrated and not feared.
02 December 2009
Leadership Lessons from the Yoga Mat
A little over four years ago I finally got serious about commiting to a regular yoga practice. I'd enjoyed yoga sporadically over the years but had never been good at keeping up any regularity. I've found that the physical benefits have been greater than I ever anticipated: strength, flexibity, balance, better sleep. But the mental and spiritual benefits have been just as wonderful and just as needed. As I've taken this journey deeper into my practice I've also noticed that there are many lessons learned on the yoga mat that have great applications to effective and ethical leadership. Here are a few:
1) Let go of comparison and judgment. Everyone's physical gifts and challenges are different and the only comparison that is valid is with how your body is responding from one practice to another. This applies equally to our skills and aptitudes in other areas of life.
2) Breathe deeply and notice your breath. One of the basic lessons in yoga is that everything connects to our breath. Breathing brings you out of your head and into your body. Noticing the breath brings you into the present moment, which is the only place you totally control.
3) Push yourself, stretch your limits. Yoga can be much more physically demanding than I ever imagined and there have been many times, stuck in a challenging pose, that I've wanted to give up. Learning to breathe through it and hold the pose a bit longer has taught me great lessons of perseverence.
4) Remember to fully relax when you are done with your practice. I'll admit after a hard 90 minute practice corpse pose is my favorite in the whole asana repertoire. A good reminder that we should always relax, celebrate and play after completing a strenous endeavor.
5) Age is not an excuse. I'm inspired by yogis that are my age and older. I marvel at how bendy and strong some of the "older" yogis are that I know and I aspire to be like them. And it is a good reminder that we are never too old to try something new and follow our hearts.
These are just a few of the most obvious lessons I've learned while on my sticky mat. I'm always amazed by the insights and answers that come during and after a practice so I'm grateful and willingly stay open to those rays of light. Namaste!
1) Let go of comparison and judgment. Everyone's physical gifts and challenges are different and the only comparison that is valid is with how your body is responding from one practice to another. This applies equally to our skills and aptitudes in other areas of life.
2) Breathe deeply and notice your breath. One of the basic lessons in yoga is that everything connects to our breath. Breathing brings you out of your head and into your body. Noticing the breath brings you into the present moment, which is the only place you totally control.
3) Push yourself, stretch your limits. Yoga can be much more physically demanding than I ever imagined and there have been many times, stuck in a challenging pose, that I've wanted to give up. Learning to breathe through it and hold the pose a bit longer has taught me great lessons of perseverence.
4) Remember to fully relax when you are done with your practice. I'll admit after a hard 90 minute practice corpse pose is my favorite in the whole asana repertoire. A good reminder that we should always relax, celebrate and play after completing a strenous endeavor.
5) Age is not an excuse. I'm inspired by yogis that are my age and older. I marvel at how bendy and strong some of the "older" yogis are that I know and I aspire to be like them. And it is a good reminder that we are never too old to try something new and follow our hearts.
These are just a few of the most obvious lessons I've learned while on my sticky mat. I'm always amazed by the insights and answers that come during and after a practice so I'm grateful and willingly stay open to those rays of light. Namaste!
24 November 2009
Thanks Giving
In two days it will be the annual American Thanksgiving holiday and we'll gather with the part of our family that is most geographically desirable to celebrate. It's a bonus that those relatives just happen to be my parents and one of my brothers and his family. Two of my nephews are in the late-teen into college years and it feels nice that they still want to be with family on the holidays.
I really love Thanksgiving. Hands down it's my favorite holiday of the year. What a brilliant concept: to create a holiday centered around gratitude for the abundance we enjoy in our lives. My bank accounts and retirement holdings have taken a real beating this past year, but I still have so much. My career isn't exactly where I thought it would be today, but I still love what I do. My eyesight requires me to wear "readers" now for nearly everything, but I still can see all the faces of the people I love without them. For everything I've "lost" this past year there's been something equally profound and impactful that I've gained.
Food. Football. Family. Forgiveness. I'm grateful for a day to remember my blessings.
I really love Thanksgiving. Hands down it's my favorite holiday of the year. What a brilliant concept: to create a holiday centered around gratitude for the abundance we enjoy in our lives. My bank accounts and retirement holdings have taken a real beating this past year, but I still have so much. My career isn't exactly where I thought it would be today, but I still love what I do. My eyesight requires me to wear "readers" now for nearly everything, but I still can see all the faces of the people I love without them. For everything I've "lost" this past year there's been something equally profound and impactful that I've gained.
Food. Football. Family. Forgiveness. I'm grateful for a day to remember my blessings.
17 November 2009
Empathy: The path toward understanding
The Random House Dictionary defines empathy this way:
"Intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts or attitudes of another person".
We sometimes mix up "empathy" with "sympathy" and believe it means to feel sorry for or have pity on another person, but its really about the ability to see the world through the eyes of another. Walk a mile in the other guy's shoes. It's often noted that everyone is struggling with challenges of their own. Empathy starts us down the PATH toward being able to relate and find the place of common ground while we all deal with life's stuff.
I don't think empathy always comes naturally but we can make a choice to employ it. I believe its paramount in effective leadership and certainly effective salesmanship. It can be uncomfortable to put yourself in the place of another because when you do you realize that there's another way of seeing things. Maybe a different truth or another way of being right or correct.
Empathy can be a rocky path, but it makes everything else in life so much smoother.
"Intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts or attitudes of another person".
We sometimes mix up "empathy" with "sympathy" and believe it means to feel sorry for or have pity on another person, but its really about the ability to see the world through the eyes of another. Walk a mile in the other guy's shoes. It's often noted that everyone is struggling with challenges of their own. Empathy starts us down the PATH toward being able to relate and find the place of common ground while we all deal with life's stuff.
I don't think empathy always comes naturally but we can make a choice to employ it. I believe its paramount in effective leadership and certainly effective salesmanship. It can be uncomfortable to put yourself in the place of another because when you do you realize that there's another way of seeing things. Maybe a different truth or another way of being right or correct.
Empathy can be a rocky path, but it makes everything else in life so much smoother.
13 November 2009
Thanks for Helping Me Grow as a Leader
It's been a busy week and I've not had much time for blogging but I couldn't let the week end without a dedicated blog of gratitude to a board of directors that I've served with for six years at the North Houston-Greenspoint Chamber of Commerce.
I came on the board early in 2004 as a replacement for a director who was unable to serve his term. The chair at that time impressed upon me how important it was for me to be dedicated in my attendance and my participation. I was a bit intimidated at first as the board was composed of many high level corporate and community leaders. I even wondered if I really had anything to offer to the group, but decided that they felt I did so I should show up and do my best! Though I had served on other boards before this one struck me as the most serious and impactful.
In 2005 I was approached to be a division Vice Chairman and serve on the Executive Committee of the board. Once again I had thoughts of "what can I possibly have to offer at this level?". I decided to take that original advice: show up and participate when and how it seemed appropriate. I started to learn that I did have value to offer. My perspective may have differed from others and it was part of honoring our diversity to share that perspective.
During my six years of service on this board we've gone through some extremely challenging times. Some of our board meetings were hard, long, stressful and kept me up at night. I wasn't even aware when I agreed to serve as the 2008 Chair how much we would all go through together. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" would be applicable here. But, we kept putting one foot in front of the other and can now look proudly at what we've helped our organization to accomplish and how we've positioned it for future growth and success.
So, as I complete my term as past chair and leave this group it is with proud feelings for what we've been through and accomplished, but mostly feelings of gratitude for the relationships we've created and the way those magnificent people helped me grow as a leader. I will never again doubt that I have something of value to bring to a group or situation. And I will never doubt that others bring their own unique perspectives and value as well. I am truly blessed to have had this experience.
I came on the board early in 2004 as a replacement for a director who was unable to serve his term. The chair at that time impressed upon me how important it was for me to be dedicated in my attendance and my participation. I was a bit intimidated at first as the board was composed of many high level corporate and community leaders. I even wondered if I really had anything to offer to the group, but decided that they felt I did so I should show up and do my best! Though I had served on other boards before this one struck me as the most serious and impactful.
In 2005 I was approached to be a division Vice Chairman and serve on the Executive Committee of the board. Once again I had thoughts of "what can I possibly have to offer at this level?". I decided to take that original advice: show up and participate when and how it seemed appropriate. I started to learn that I did have value to offer. My perspective may have differed from others and it was part of honoring our diversity to share that perspective.
During my six years of service on this board we've gone through some extremely challenging times. Some of our board meetings were hard, long, stressful and kept me up at night. I wasn't even aware when I agreed to serve as the 2008 Chair how much we would all go through together. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" would be applicable here. But, we kept putting one foot in front of the other and can now look proudly at what we've helped our organization to accomplish and how we've positioned it for future growth and success.
So, as I complete my term as past chair and leave this group it is with proud feelings for what we've been through and accomplished, but mostly feelings of gratitude for the relationships we've created and the way those magnificent people helped me grow as a leader. I will never again doubt that I have something of value to bring to a group or situation. And I will never doubt that others bring their own unique perspectives and value as well. I am truly blessed to have had this experience.
06 November 2009
Defining Success
My mother emailed awhile back and mentioned that she and my father considered their lives to be successful because they had raised three children into contributing adults who had also grown up to be friends with each other and their parents. That sounds easy but anyone who's gone through the process of child rearing knows that it is anything but. So my congratulations, mom and dad.
Growing up I often thought success somehow involved getting your name known by millions of people. Granted this was before cable tv, the internet, YouTube and "America's Most Wanted" made it so easy to have your name know by millions of people that anyone can be famous just for being ubiquitous or bad. I dreamed of being a writer, a novelist, and being well-known was my signpost of success.
Life experience has given me the opportunity to redefine what success means for me. I haven't become a novelist, but I did realize that the ability to express my thoughts in writing could take me other places! So, what does success look like for me at this time in my life?
Growing up I often thought success somehow involved getting your name known by millions of people. Granted this was before cable tv, the internet, YouTube and "America's Most Wanted" made it so easy to have your name know by millions of people that anyone can be famous just for being ubiquitous or bad. I dreamed of being a writer, a novelist, and being well-known was my signpost of success.
Life experience has given me the opportunity to redefine what success means for me. I haven't become a novelist, but I did realize that the ability to express my thoughts in writing could take me other places! So, what does success look like for me at this time in my life?
- A marriage that has lasted over 25 years, even as we worked side-by-side in two businesses together.
- Good relationships with my family, and my family by marriage, including stepdaughters.
- A personally significant spiritual life.
- Activities that have a positive impact on my local community, the global community, the human family.
- A career that has allowed me an immense amount of personal growth and the opportunity to work with people from all walks of life.
- Deep and meaningful friendships.
- Continued curiosity and openness to new experiences.
03 November 2009
My Truth is Better Than Your Truth
"More than one thing can be true in a given situation."
I'd like to be able to attribute this quote but the source I read it on didn't, so I'll just chalk it up to an unknown person of great wisdom.
More than one thing can be true in a given situation.
That's certainly a mind-opening thought since we naturally see things from our viewpoint and can have a hard time being open to the possibilities of truths other than our own. We also look at true vs. false as an either/or choice. Black/white, right/wrong. A good litigator surely learns early on that every person involved in a court case has their version of what really happened. Their own truth.
The hard part is making space for someone else's viewpoint of a situation and not judging or comparing their "truth" against yours. If you have siblings, as I do, you may find their stories of family life growing up are completely different than your memories. Science tells us now that memory is very malleable. Add that to the lense we view life through and it becomes easier to accept that there might be more than one truth in a given situation.
I'd like to be able to attribute this quote but the source I read it on didn't, so I'll just chalk it up to an unknown person of great wisdom.
More than one thing can be true in a given situation.
That's certainly a mind-opening thought since we naturally see things from our viewpoint and can have a hard time being open to the possibilities of truths other than our own. We also look at true vs. false as an either/or choice. Black/white, right/wrong. A good litigator surely learns early on that every person involved in a court case has their version of what really happened. Their own truth.
The hard part is making space for someone else's viewpoint of a situation and not judging or comparing their "truth" against yours. If you have siblings, as I do, you may find their stories of family life growing up are completely different than your memories. Science tells us now that memory is very malleable. Add that to the lense we view life through and it becomes easier to accept that there might be more than one truth in a given situation.
02 November 2009
Notes of Gratitude
Organizing some paperwork on my desk this morning I came across two handwritten notes I received recently in the mail. Both are from young women who I have unofficially mentored. Both were notes thanking me for the impact that I've had on their lives. There's no way I could throw those notes away. They are now tucked away in a drawer where I know I will come across them again in the future. At the perfect time, no doubt, when I really need a reminder of all that is good.
A great way to start a new work week.... a reminder that the encouragement, modeling, support and leadership we provide to others really does matter.
A great way to start a new work week.... a reminder that the encouragement, modeling, support and leadership we provide to others really does matter.
25 October 2009
Pink Balloons
Driving out of my subdivision yesterday morning I noticed a pair of garage sale signs flanking an intersection. What really caught my eye was the happy pink balloons floating above each of the signs, waving in the breeze. Pink balloons. My mind instantly pictured a garage sale selling lots of baby stuff. In particular, little girl baby stuff. Lace, ruffles, pastel colors.
Stop! Where is that coming from?
All my years in the advertising business (where you learn the power that colors have in our culture and the meanings attached to them) and the diversity training I've had kicked in and I realized what a cultural assumption I was making. Perhaps the pink balloons were simply left over from something else and in reality the garage sale featured lots of used yard equipment and men's work clothes. Based on my cultural conditioning about the color pink I had immediately assumed to be aware of something that I had no way of knowing.
How many times do we assume we know someone by the car they drive? The clothes they wear? The schools they attended? The color of their skin? The way they speak? The job they have?
We create "stories" for people and situations all the time and that's fine because stories are what make us human. But, it's also important to recognize that its only a story in our mind and may have nothing to do with the reality or story that the other person is living. It's just our pink balloons.
Now every time I meet someone and imagine that I know something about them I'll remember those pink balloons, waving in the morning breeze.
Stop! Where is that coming from?
All my years in the advertising business (where you learn the power that colors have in our culture and the meanings attached to them) and the diversity training I've had kicked in and I realized what a cultural assumption I was making. Perhaps the pink balloons were simply left over from something else and in reality the garage sale featured lots of used yard equipment and men's work clothes. Based on my cultural conditioning about the color pink I had immediately assumed to be aware of something that I had no way of knowing.
How many times do we assume we know someone by the car they drive? The clothes they wear? The schools they attended? The color of their skin? The way they speak? The job they have?
We create "stories" for people and situations all the time and that's fine because stories are what make us human. But, it's also important to recognize that its only a story in our mind and may have nothing to do with the reality or story that the other person is living. It's just our pink balloons.
Now every time I meet someone and imagine that I know something about them I'll remember those pink balloons, waving in the morning breeze.
22 October 2009
Sharing the Credit & Assuming the Responsibility
All the most effective leaders I know share an important skill, or perhaps more accurately, a willingness to shine the light on everyone around them when there are accolades to accept. They will make a real effort to include everyone on the team, even those who didn't participate at the level the leader expected. Not only is this willingness to share the spotlight a generous thing to do, it's a very smart thing to do as well. Have you ever participated in a team effort but for could not contribute at a high level for some reason? If the end result is successful and the leader take all the credit you, along with your teammates, will probably wonder if your efforts were really worth your time and if yours were subpar you might feel justified for slacking off.
But, when the leader generously and lavishly praises all involved, no matter their participation because, after all, it was a "team" effort, won't you feel a twinge of guilt for not giving a full-out effort and resolve to do better the next time? Most people will and that smart leader knows exactly that. They may also expect that you'll be coming in to talk about how you can perform at a higher level the next time and that conversation will lead to a better understanding of your role and responsibilities.
And when team results don't end up so well.... what should we expect of the smart leader? That's when they take on the responsibility for the overall performance of the team, knowing that, once again, the team members will look at their role and how their contributions could have been different. Those one-on-one conversations are then most certainly called for in this circumstance.
This is the kind of leader that attracts the best talent, the hardest workers, and the happiest people. All of us that know one or have one in our lives can be very grateful. Credit for all, blame for one.
But, when the leader generously and lavishly praises all involved, no matter their participation because, after all, it was a "team" effort, won't you feel a twinge of guilt for not giving a full-out effort and resolve to do better the next time? Most people will and that smart leader knows exactly that. They may also expect that you'll be coming in to talk about how you can perform at a higher level the next time and that conversation will lead to a better understanding of your role and responsibilities.
And when team results don't end up so well.... what should we expect of the smart leader? That's when they take on the responsibility for the overall performance of the team, knowing that, once again, the team members will look at their role and how their contributions could have been different. Those one-on-one conversations are then most certainly called for in this circumstance.
This is the kind of leader that attracts the best talent, the hardest workers, and the happiest people. All of us that know one or have one in our lives can be very grateful. Credit for all, blame for one.
19 October 2009
Conquering Fears and Doubts
Aspiring to or being in a leadership role can bring you squarely up against every fear and doubt you thought you'd been able to handle. Suddenly that hesistation you have about speaking in front of a group or telling somebody "no" is keeping you awake at night and making your palms sweaty. Do you really have what it takes? Do you match up to the impressive resume? Were all those previous awards and accolades just a hoax or out of pity? Are you all fluff and no stuff?
Whenever I get into that place of doubt, seeing my worst fears around every corner, I try to get focused on the here and now. I remember that everyone is human. We all have dark corners we're afraid others can see into. We're all ashamed of something we've done or said. Nobody's perfect, nobody's immune from doubt.
I find that love and compassion are the best treatment for fear and doubt. And that tender-loving-care attitude needs to start with ourselves. Then, reach out and give the person next to you a sincere compliment or a smile. Remember that they might be carrying a heavy load or fear today in their heart.
Here's a favorite quote of mine from the "Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz that is applicable when fear takes over:
"Always do your best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret."
Words to live by.
Whenever I get into that place of doubt, seeing my worst fears around every corner, I try to get focused on the here and now. I remember that everyone is human. We all have dark corners we're afraid others can see into. We're all ashamed of something we've done or said. Nobody's perfect, nobody's immune from doubt.
I find that love and compassion are the best treatment for fear and doubt. And that tender-loving-care attitude needs to start with ourselves. Then, reach out and give the person next to you a sincere compliment or a smile. Remember that they might be carrying a heavy load or fear today in their heart.
Here's a favorite quote of mine from the "Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz that is applicable when fear takes over:
"Always do your best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret."
Words to live by.
13 October 2009
A Graceful Exit
Knowing when to step aside and let someone else lead is a tough skill to master. Look no further than politicians and professional athletes for proof. But, truth is, we all face these times in our daily lives. Sometimes its important to allow someone else to lead because you know they need to build confidence in their skills. So, you get to grow through the experience of allowing them the opportunity without interference or taking over. That's a tough one.
Or maybe you recognize you've taken an organization as far as you can and that new leadership, with the new ideas that come along with it, is the answer. Its can be hard to reach this conclusion. Your identity could be wrapped up in the role, in the organization. This calls for some soul searching and for doing the "inner work" of leadership.
Perhaps your exit from a leadership role is preordained by an established schedule of organizational change. So you've known from the beginning that the role was temporary, but that doesn't always make it easy to open your hand and pass the torch to the next leader. We might find ourselves criticizing their decisions or no longer supporting the organization. Much harder to continue to cheer on your successors and support them when needed, yet by doing this we allow ourselves to grow more and be open to the next leadership opportunity that calls.
Or maybe you recognize you've taken an organization as far as you can and that new leadership, with the new ideas that come along with it, is the answer. Its can be hard to reach this conclusion. Your identity could be wrapped up in the role, in the organization. This calls for some soul searching and for doing the "inner work" of leadership.
Perhaps your exit from a leadership role is preordained by an established schedule of organizational change. So you've known from the beginning that the role was temporary, but that doesn't always make it easy to open your hand and pass the torch to the next leader. We might find ourselves criticizing their decisions or no longer supporting the organization. Much harder to continue to cheer on your successors and support them when needed, yet by doing this we allow ourselves to grow more and be open to the next leadership opportunity that calls.
09 October 2009
What Makes You Tick?
Do you know what makes you tick? Do you know why you do the things you do and say the things you say? How self-aware are you?
Self-awareness can be a real key to leadership, especially to ethical leadership. If you are shut off from what your motivations are how do you know you are using your talents in the best way? If you haven't taken a good look at your beliefs, and why you have them, then how do you know you are behaving in an ethical manner? If you cannot be honest with yourself about how you will benefit from something then how can you expect others to be honest about their motivations?
Going through life on auto-pilot, not taking the time to really know ourselves and learning how to control our thoughts and attitudes isn't usually a recipe for true success. Before you can make a difference in the world you have to know what makes you different.
Self-awareness can be a real key to leadership, especially to ethical leadership. If you are shut off from what your motivations are how do you know you are using your talents in the best way? If you haven't taken a good look at your beliefs, and why you have them, then how do you know you are behaving in an ethical manner? If you cannot be honest with yourself about how you will benefit from something then how can you expect others to be honest about their motivations?
Going through life on auto-pilot, not taking the time to really know ourselves and learning how to control our thoughts and attitudes isn't usually a recipe for true success. Before you can make a difference in the world you have to know what makes you different.
07 October 2009
Moving the Process Forward
All of life is a process, from the day we are born to the day we die. And some might say that this life we live is just part of a bigger, eternal process, but that is a subject for another kind of blog. I'm thinking today about the larger process of my life and then the other processes within it and how my thoughts and actions affect how it unfolds.
We're all involved with more processes than we can count and usually in community (group action) with others whether that be at work, in our families, an organization, or a larger group (city, state, country, humanity). We each have a part to play, a part of the rope to hold on to and lift up.
There are important questions we can ask ourselves about the evolution of our process:
1) What IS my part in this process and how can I honor and enhance it?
2) Am I feeding useful information into the process or is it just noise?
3) When I notice a "problem" coming into the process do I offer this problem along with a possible solution?
4) Am I honoring the part others play in the process, even when I don't agree with them?
5) Am I taking steps, however small, to move the process forward, to help it evolve?
6) Can I be honest about wanting to stop my participation without making others bad or wrong?
7) Can I take part and stay engaged without knowing what the outcome will be?
8) Can I relax into the process and not fight against it?
9) Will I have gratitude for what I learned in the unfoldment of the process even if the "end" result is not to my immediate satisfaction or liking?
10) Can I look honestly at my motivations for involvement, honor the motivations of others, and know that everyone hopes to gain something different?
Involvement with other humans is many times a messy, chaotic, jumbled up, funny, heartbreaking, exasperating, complicated, loving and unavoidable journey. Its so easy to look at how the actions of others are impacting us, but how often do we look inside and make a correction in the way we're contributing to the process?
We're all involved with more processes than we can count and usually in community (group action) with others whether that be at work, in our families, an organization, or a larger group (city, state, country, humanity). We each have a part to play, a part of the rope to hold on to and lift up.
There are important questions we can ask ourselves about the evolution of our process:
1) What IS my part in this process and how can I honor and enhance it?
2) Am I feeding useful information into the process or is it just noise?
3) When I notice a "problem" coming into the process do I offer this problem along with a possible solution?
4) Am I honoring the part others play in the process, even when I don't agree with them?
5) Am I taking steps, however small, to move the process forward, to help it evolve?
6) Can I be honest about wanting to stop my participation without making others bad or wrong?
7) Can I take part and stay engaged without knowing what the outcome will be?
8) Can I relax into the process and not fight against it?
9) Will I have gratitude for what I learned in the unfoldment of the process even if the "end" result is not to my immediate satisfaction or liking?
10) Can I look honestly at my motivations for involvement, honor the motivations of others, and know that everyone hopes to gain something different?
Involvement with other humans is many times a messy, chaotic, jumbled up, funny, heartbreaking, exasperating, complicated, loving and unavoidable journey. Its so easy to look at how the actions of others are impacting us, but how often do we look inside and make a correction in the way we're contributing to the process?
04 October 2009
"Head" vs. "Heart" Decisions in Choosing a Leader
I was talking recently with someone I have a huge amount of admiration for because of the good work he's done in our community for many years. He's also just one of the "good guys". Part of our conversation was about how different organizations choose leadership, what seems to work and what doesn't. I've been mulling over this conversation for several days now and also using it as a template to compare some recent experiences and observations of my own. The essence came down to "head" (logical) decisions versus "heart" (emotional) decisions.
Both logic and emotion are valid, give us important information, and lead us in particular directions. Neither of these approaches to life is right or wrong. It comes down to what we value most and whether we recognize the validity of both ways and try to integrate and balance them. Our western world model comes down heavily on the sole validity of logic, facts and process. We learn from a young age that facts, knowledge and education are the most important things in life. Emotions are usually those things you keep to yourself and push down. Properly channeled and used, however, emotions can be the engine that moves mountains and I would propose that no creative endeavor can be successful without it.
If we can agree that there is a validity in honoring a balanced approached to decision making utilizing both logic and emotion, then perhaps we need to look at how we select leadership in the organizations we are part of. Can we find a leader that has enough of the hard skills to master the nuts and bolts of the position yet possesses the soft skills required to really connect with people? Are those involved in the selection a diverse group in their use and propensity toward logic and emotion so that the process isn't heavily biased toward one side? Are we honest with ourselves in acknowledging that we've chosen someone who is stronger in one area than another and what the consequences of that may be? Without recognition of the area of "weakness" we cannot truly assist that person in being successful.
Interesting questions that will be leading me to look at the ways I make decisions and whether I am listening to both my head and my heart.
Both logic and emotion are valid, give us important information, and lead us in particular directions. Neither of these approaches to life is right or wrong. It comes down to what we value most and whether we recognize the validity of both ways and try to integrate and balance them. Our western world model comes down heavily on the sole validity of logic, facts and process. We learn from a young age that facts, knowledge and education are the most important things in life. Emotions are usually those things you keep to yourself and push down. Properly channeled and used, however, emotions can be the engine that moves mountains and I would propose that no creative endeavor can be successful without it.
If we can agree that there is a validity in honoring a balanced approached to decision making utilizing both logic and emotion, then perhaps we need to look at how we select leadership in the organizations we are part of. Can we find a leader that has enough of the hard skills to master the nuts and bolts of the position yet possesses the soft skills required to really connect with people? Are those involved in the selection a diverse group in their use and propensity toward logic and emotion so that the process isn't heavily biased toward one side? Are we honest with ourselves in acknowledging that we've chosen someone who is stronger in one area than another and what the consequences of that may be? Without recognition of the area of "weakness" we cannot truly assist that person in being successful.
Interesting questions that will be leading me to look at the ways I make decisions and whether I am listening to both my head and my heart.
01 October 2009
Considering the Seventh Generation
I attended a chamber luncheon today and our speaker was the head of our county government, Judge Ed Emmett. He has a background in transportation and is so extremely knowledgable about regional transportation issues and that is a big, big thing here in Houston. Home of 4 million ++ distracted drivers! He speaks in layman's language about what our challenges are in our county, the third most populous in the country. He spoke today about the financial challenges facing Harris County, to a lesser degree than many places, and what that means for the future. One of the members of the audience asked how elected officials can communicate to and educate the public about the need for additional funding to support the needed changes over the next decades. All of this conversation got me thinking about how leadership isn't just a "here and now" endeavor. Leadership should take in to account the long term:
"In every deliberation, we must consider the impact on the seventh generation... even if it requires having skin as thick as the bark of a pine."
—Great Law of the Iroquois
Aren't we in the pickle we're in now because we've become focused on the immediate at the expense of that seventh generation? Enron being an extreme example of focusing on short term gain and the ever increasing share price, seems to me to be a symptom of a much larger sickness.
The health care/insurance reform debate would be another example: so much fear of change in the short term and little consideration of long-term ramifications. So goes Social Security, Medicare, environmental issues and so on. You can see it in our local communities where development is created without true consideration of long-term impacts, without a master plan or community discussion of what people really want.
I'm not just pointing the finger at everyone else. The finger is also pointed squarely in my own face. In my life I've been just as guilty of not considering how my actions have long term consequences. I like to think I've grown in my ability to discern: we only use organic products on our yard, we compost, we recycle, we drive cars that get relatively high mileage, we use CFL bulbs. We try to think before we buy, but we truly don't know the footprint we create. We also don't hold our government accountable for considering that seventh generation, because truth be told we're not thinking about them either.
"In every deliberation, we must consider the impact on the seventh generation... even if it requires having skin as thick as the bark of a pine."
—Great Law of the Iroquois
Aren't we in the pickle we're in now because we've become focused on the immediate at the expense of that seventh generation? Enron being an extreme example of focusing on short term gain and the ever increasing share price, seems to me to be a symptom of a much larger sickness.
The health care/insurance reform debate would be another example: so much fear of change in the short term and little consideration of long-term ramifications. So goes Social Security, Medicare, environmental issues and so on. You can see it in our local communities where development is created without true consideration of long-term impacts, without a master plan or community discussion of what people really want.
I'm not just pointing the finger at everyone else. The finger is also pointed squarely in my own face. In my life I've been just as guilty of not considering how my actions have long term consequences. I like to think I've grown in my ability to discern: we only use organic products on our yard, we compost, we recycle, we drive cars that get relatively high mileage, we use CFL bulbs. We try to think before we buy, but we truly don't know the footprint we create. We also don't hold our government accountable for considering that seventh generation, because truth be told we're not thinking about them either.
29 September 2009
"Tough" Times Call for Leadership with Heart
It seems not a day goes by that I don't hear of another friend, or friend of a friend, getting laid off or having their umpteenth second interview, but never a job offer, and today was no different. I always prefer to focus on the "good" but sometimes we need to look at what "is" and find a way to be with it and not label it good or bad. The truth is that many people are struggling right now and though our family is having struggles we know that there are many that didn't have the resources to fall back on that we're blessed to have.
Times like these seem to call out for leadership with real heart and soul. In fact, it feels like we're being given the opportunity to remember what is truly important, which is love, relationships, family, faith, community, serving others, and being really present in the here and now. I'm trying to focus every day on what is within my control and many times the only thing I can control is how I choose to feel about what is happening around me!
So, how can we lead and nurture others when the world is spinning out of control around us? First, focus on being really present and listening to those you are with. Now, more than ever, we each have the desire to be really heard. Secondly, utilize our networks and abilities to help someone in need move their process forward a step, if that's what they are truly wanting. If it feels like they just want an excuse to stay stuck where they are then bless them and allow them to stay where they feel safest. And, most importantly, now is the time to be a light in the world and if you have the resources to give, then find a way to do so. That friend who's just been through their fifteenth second interview in the past nine months would probably appreciate a cup of coffee and a good friend!
Times like these seem to call out for leadership with real heart and soul. In fact, it feels like we're being given the opportunity to remember what is truly important, which is love, relationships, family, faith, community, serving others, and being really present in the here and now. I'm trying to focus every day on what is within my control and many times the only thing I can control is how I choose to feel about what is happening around me!
So, how can we lead and nurture others when the world is spinning out of control around us? First, focus on being really present and listening to those you are with. Now, more than ever, we each have the desire to be really heard. Secondly, utilize our networks and abilities to help someone in need move their process forward a step, if that's what they are truly wanting. If it feels like they just want an excuse to stay stuck where they are then bless them and allow them to stay where they feel safest. And, most importantly, now is the time to be a light in the world and if you have the resources to give, then find a way to do so. That friend who's just been through their fifteenth second interview in the past nine months would probably appreciate a cup of coffee and a good friend!
27 September 2009
Leadership and Love in Action
Thank you to my friend Rev. Patty Rumpza for sending me this via email last week. It really was such a lesson of love in action and a beautiful way to look at leadership.
In the Babemba tribe in Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he/she is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the "accused" individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, about all the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy is recounted. All his/her positive attributes, good deeds, strengths and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. The tribal ceremony often lasts several days.
The tribe recognizes that the correction for non-integrous behavior is not punishment, but love and the remembrance of identity. They believe a friend, coach, or teacher, is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. They are not fooled by the mistakes you have made or the dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.
One of the most important lessons we can learn from evolution is that we are related to all that lives. Consider the fact that your personal DNA is 99.99 % identical to the DNA of every other human being, and to all that has ever lived. Once we begin to include ourselves in the story that we are no longer on an individual journey, we have joined the grand caravan of "endless forms -most beautiful and wonderful". This is cooperation and collaboration at it's core essence.
I am so grateful to have people in my life who remember who I really am whenever I forget. My wish is that you do, too. Namaste!
In the Babemba tribe in Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he/she is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the "accused" individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, about all the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy is recounted. All his/her positive attributes, good deeds, strengths and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. The tribal ceremony often lasts several days.
The tribe recognizes that the correction for non-integrous behavior is not punishment, but love and the remembrance of identity. They believe a friend, coach, or teacher, is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. They are not fooled by the mistakes you have made or the dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.
One of the most important lessons we can learn from evolution is that we are related to all that lives. Consider the fact that your personal DNA is 99.99 % identical to the DNA of every other human being, and to all that has ever lived. Once we begin to include ourselves in the story that we are no longer on an individual journey, we have joined the grand caravan of "endless forms -most beautiful and wonderful". This is cooperation and collaboration at it's core essence.
I am so grateful to have people in my life who remember who I really am whenever I forget. My wish is that you do, too. Namaste!
22 September 2009
Leadership Lessons I Learned from My Parents
In case you don't already realize that your kids are going to end up learning more from watching your actions then from anything you ever tell them, consider everything you model in your life that came from watching your parents! Today I have been ruminating on the leadership lessons my parents taught me without ever saying a word.
First, some background that might help put my story into perspective. Though I now live in the fourth largest city in America, Houston, situated in the south along the Gulf coast, I was born and raised smack dab in the middle of the country, officially in the middle of nowhere, in Superior, Nebraska. If everyone fills out the census form they barely hit 2,000. Growing up in a community of that size is a completely different experience than living in a big city. Everybody knows who you are and what you're up to. There's literally no place to hide. Consequently your actions can have larger consequences (both good and bad) as they ripple out at the speed of lightening.
My mother was a teacher in the school system, my father a chemist at the local cement manufacturing facility. Here's some of the leadership lessons they taught me by example:
1) Give back to your community. From the library board to the school board, church activities, fundraisers, men's and women's groups, my parents always found time to be actively involved in making the community better. Now that they are Texans they continue that example.
2) A reputation is built one relationship, one action, one word at a time and is the most valuable thing you own.
3) A bad reputation can be created and maintained much easier than a good one.... so don't go there!
4) Accept everyone and welcome their input and contributions. We are all part of the human family and have intrinsic value. Everyone can contribute at some level and at some time.
5) Don't let other people define you or limit you. My dad told me once that the "cream always rises to the top" and I know now that we all have that good inside of us (the cream) and we just need to find it and use it.
6) The pioneering spirit didn't die with the last sod house or log cabin.
7) Treat others the way you want to be treated. Even family... especially family!
I'm certain as soon as I close this blog post I'll think of other leadership lessons my parents taught me, but this seems like a good place to start and stop. I'm truly grateful to have parents that continue to teach me how to be in the world and I hope that I can pay that lesson forward.
First, some background that might help put my story into perspective. Though I now live in the fourth largest city in America, Houston, situated in the south along the Gulf coast, I was born and raised smack dab in the middle of the country, officially in the middle of nowhere, in Superior, Nebraska. If everyone fills out the census form they barely hit 2,000. Growing up in a community of that size is a completely different experience than living in a big city. Everybody knows who you are and what you're up to. There's literally no place to hide. Consequently your actions can have larger consequences (both good and bad) as they ripple out at the speed of lightening.
My mother was a teacher in the school system, my father a chemist at the local cement manufacturing facility. Here's some of the leadership lessons they taught me by example:
1) Give back to your community. From the library board to the school board, church activities, fundraisers, men's and women's groups, my parents always found time to be actively involved in making the community better. Now that they are Texans they continue that example.
2) A reputation is built one relationship, one action, one word at a time and is the most valuable thing you own.
3) A bad reputation can be created and maintained much easier than a good one.... so don't go there!
4) Accept everyone and welcome their input and contributions. We are all part of the human family and have intrinsic value. Everyone can contribute at some level and at some time.
5) Don't let other people define you or limit you. My dad told me once that the "cream always rises to the top" and I know now that we all have that good inside of us (the cream) and we just need to find it and use it.
6) The pioneering spirit didn't die with the last sod house or log cabin.
7) Treat others the way you want to be treated. Even family... especially family!
I'm certain as soon as I close this blog post I'll think of other leadership lessons my parents taught me, but this seems like a good place to start and stop. I'm truly grateful to have parents that continue to teach me how to be in the world and I hope that I can pay that lesson forward.
21 September 2009
Graceful Leaders
Saturday evening I attended the Federation of Houston Professional Women's "Women of Excellence" Gala, which is an annual event where a woman from each member organization is honored for her leadership, career accomplishments, and community involvement. It was a lovely event honoring nearly 40 women and I remembered very clearly how nervous and honored I was in 2004 when it was me up on that stage in front of hundreds of people. And how grateful I was that my strapless gown stayed where I wanted it to!
What struck me this year as I watched each woman take the stage was how diverse a group it was. Young, old, white, brown and black and everything in between. It made me proud to be a woman who supports and is supported by other women. Each woman had different abilities, different skills and talents, but the unifying theme was that she was using these abilities, skills and talents to lift up the women in her immediate circle and the community at large. I was particularly impressed by the stunningly youthful seventy year old grandmother who had recently gone sky diving with her eighteen year old grandson. Now, that is a grandmother to emulate!
Men and women has so much of value to learn from one another and women can certainly show the way to appreciate each other in such a gracious manner. I'm grateful I was able to spend some time in the company of such accomplished, gentle and powerful women.
What struck me this year as I watched each woman take the stage was how diverse a group it was. Young, old, white, brown and black and everything in between. It made me proud to be a woman who supports and is supported by other women. Each woman had different abilities, different skills and talents, but the unifying theme was that she was using these abilities, skills and talents to lift up the women in her immediate circle and the community at large. I was particularly impressed by the stunningly youthful seventy year old grandmother who had recently gone sky diving with her eighteen year old grandson. Now, that is a grandmother to emulate!
Men and women has so much of value to learn from one another and women can certainly show the way to appreciate each other in such a gracious manner. I'm grateful I was able to spend some time in the company of such accomplished, gentle and powerful women.
18 September 2009
More on Leadership and Loss
Eckhart Tolle writes in his book The New Earth, "What is lost on the level of form is gained on the level of essence."
I had to go back and read that over several times and then sit with it awhile before really appreciating the layers of meaning contained in that sentence. One meaning certainly speaks to leadership because we so often strive for the trappings of authority that can be seen and acknowledged on the outside: titles, awards, position, money, stuff. This is one of the places where the rubber meets the road in acting as an ethical leader. Sometimes being ethical, taking the high road, is the hard thing to do and we hesitate because of the possibility of "negative" consequences: being fired, losing a position of authority, losing a friend, embarrassment, shame or ridicule and we go along with something we know in our gut is wrong. There are times when we need to admit, publicly, that we've been wrong or misled someone.
The idea of losing credibility or "face" can often hold us back from doing or saying what we know is right. But if we are truly committed to leadership and prepared to lose those outward signs of power then the real gains start to become apparent. Perhaps we need to think about the gain in "essence" that we create by doing the right thing.
I had to go back and read that over several times and then sit with it awhile before really appreciating the layers of meaning contained in that sentence. One meaning certainly speaks to leadership because we so often strive for the trappings of authority that can be seen and acknowledged on the outside: titles, awards, position, money, stuff. This is one of the places where the rubber meets the road in acting as an ethical leader. Sometimes being ethical, taking the high road, is the hard thing to do and we hesitate because of the possibility of "negative" consequences: being fired, losing a position of authority, losing a friend, embarrassment, shame or ridicule and we go along with something we know in our gut is wrong. There are times when we need to admit, publicly, that we've been wrong or misled someone.
The idea of losing credibility or "face" can often hold us back from doing or saying what we know is right. But if we are truly committed to leadership and prepared to lose those outward signs of power then the real gains start to become apparent. Perhaps we need to think about the gain in "essence" that we create by doing the right thing.
17 September 2009
The World Just Keeps Getting Smaller
Yesterday at an ABWA luncheon I met a lovely lady from Chile who now lives and works in Houston was visiting our group for the first time. The person who brought her wanted her to tell us the story of how she came to live in the United States. Her tale began with how she had followed in the footsteps of others in her family and attended a small, liberal arts college in Nebraska. "Nebraska?", I quickly piped in since this is my home state. She graduated from Hastings College in Hastings, NE which is where my paternal grandmother lived and 60 miles from my hometown of Superior. And then when she asked me where my hometown was we discovered that we had something else in common. Her sister-in-law is from Superior! Those of you from Houston and other large metropolitan areas would probably be laughing at my astonishment, but when you find out that Superior has a population under 2,500 you could probably deduce that the odds of us meeting and having this in common are quite high! And, her sister-in-law's father worked for the same company as my father did.
This lovely lady and I have promised to get together soon for coffee and explore our shared connection and get to know other things about each other. When the Universe sends some synchronicity like this my way I try not to ignore it because you never know what good will unfold as a result.
This lovely lady and I have promised to get together soon for coffee and explore our shared connection and get to know other things about each other. When the Universe sends some synchronicity like this my way I try not to ignore it because you never know what good will unfold as a result.
15 September 2009
Can Loss Make You a Better Leader?
Losses come into all our lives. Loss comes dressed many ways: death, divorce, accident, disease, unemployment, business failure, financial setback, and countless others. Sometimes the losses we feel the most profoundly are those that aren't even known or acknowledged by anyone but ourselves or those closest to us. 2008 was a year I will remember many losses in my life. A close aunt and uncle died within months of one another, two beloved cats died five days apart, someone I looked up to and trusted severed our relationship, my husband was involved in a car accident, our business suffered along with many others in the recent financial and economic crisis. All of those things I mourned in different degrees. Recently, however, I found out that mourning the loss of a dream may be just as challenging. I had worked for many months to prepare myself to interview and be selected for the job I just knew was the culmination of everything I'd done in my life up until now. It was so real I could feel it with all five of my senses! I would be working for an organization I respected and, most importantly, for a person I greatly admired and wanted to emulate. It was the opportunity of a lifetime and, I thought, the start of the "second half" of my career.
Unfortunately it wasn't to be. I was devastated to get the phone call telling me I was their "second choice". All the sudden, stranded by the side of the road with no map, I wondered how I was going to get to the destination I know is on the horizon. I've been leaning on those gurus, guides and girlfriends I've written about before and learning a lot from this unexpected growth opportunity.
Here are just a few of the things I've figured out so far:
1) The true essence of who I am has not changed a bit from this loss. No loss can take that away from me. Whether you call that God, Spirit or whatever it is the unchangeable core of who we all are.
2) Organizations need leaders with real heart who know what loss feels like. Especially community organizations that serve people in times of need. Loss can create empathy for others and that is a valuable gift to offer the world.
3) When your world cracks open you eventually discover the jewels. Those gifts of great value are becoming apparent to me more and more each day as I move through the process of letting go of that dream.
This process of renewal is still unfolding and I'm not sure where the road will lead because I'm still searching for that new map. But now I know that until I find a new direction I already have all the resources I need to create a new dream.
Unfortunately it wasn't to be. I was devastated to get the phone call telling me I was their "second choice". All the sudden, stranded by the side of the road with no map, I wondered how I was going to get to the destination I know is on the horizon. I've been leaning on those gurus, guides and girlfriends I've written about before and learning a lot from this unexpected growth opportunity.
Here are just a few of the things I've figured out so far:
1) The true essence of who I am has not changed a bit from this loss. No loss can take that away from me. Whether you call that God, Spirit or whatever it is the unchangeable core of who we all are.
2) Organizations need leaders with real heart who know what loss feels like. Especially community organizations that serve people in times of need. Loss can create empathy for others and that is a valuable gift to offer the world.
3) When your world cracks open you eventually discover the jewels. Those gifts of great value are becoming apparent to me more and more each day as I move through the process of letting go of that dream.
This process of renewal is still unfolding and I'm not sure where the road will lead because I'm still searching for that new map. But now I know that until I find a new direction I already have all the resources I need to create a new dream.
13 September 2009
Creating Rituals for Renewal
It seems fitting that on the sabbath I'm thinking about the importance of renewing the spirit and the impact that has on leadership ability. In 2009, in our "Oprahized" world do we even need to discuss how important it is for everyone to practice self care? No, I didn't think so! Yet, since we are so knowledgeable about this why do we so seldom practice what we know? Why do we continue to put so many things on the top of the list before we come to "me"?
Perhaps we believe that self-renewal must always be a lengthy and involved process: a week-long retreat, a weekend spent at a spa or out in nature, a twice weekly class, hobby or project. Believe me, I'm all in favor of the most self-indulgent ways to renew ourselves but it isn't realistic to believe we'll always have the resources (time and/or money) to take advantage of those. What if we looked at self-renewal in different ways? A short list:
Hot cup of tea
Church
Lunch with a supportive friend
Prayer or meditation
Listening to music that uplifts
A good book
A walk in the woods, or along the beach
Playing with a pet
Singing, loudly, in the car
Journaling (or blogging!)
Massage
Exercise
Watching a funny movie
Lighting a candle and watching it burn
Hot bath
Gardening
Fishing
Bird watching
Sailing
Watching the clouds
A year ago, after Hurricane Ike hit, we lost the modern conveniences we've become so accustomed to and for awhile my mind struggled against the emptiness. I went outside after the clouds and rain had passed, laid down on my deck and watched the clouds pass over me, changing and morphing shapes, for the longest time since I was a kid. What a gift!
None of us can be effective leaders in our families, companies, or communities unless we take the time to recharge our own batteries. Let's try to remember that sometimes just five minutes is all it takes.
Perhaps we believe that self-renewal must always be a lengthy and involved process: a week-long retreat, a weekend spent at a spa or out in nature, a twice weekly class, hobby or project. Believe me, I'm all in favor of the most self-indulgent ways to renew ourselves but it isn't realistic to believe we'll always have the resources (time and/or money) to take advantage of those. What if we looked at self-renewal in different ways? A short list:
Hot cup of tea
Church
Lunch with a supportive friend
Prayer or meditation
Listening to music that uplifts
A good book
A walk in the woods, or along the beach
Playing with a pet
Singing, loudly, in the car
Journaling (or blogging!)
Massage
Exercise
Watching a funny movie
Lighting a candle and watching it burn
Hot bath
Gardening
Fishing
Bird watching
Sailing
Watching the clouds
A year ago, after Hurricane Ike hit, we lost the modern conveniences we've become so accustomed to and for awhile my mind struggled against the emptiness. I went outside after the clouds and rain had passed, laid down on my deck and watched the clouds pass over me, changing and morphing shapes, for the longest time since I was a kid. What a gift!
None of us can be effective leaders in our families, companies, or communities unless we take the time to recharge our own batteries. Let's try to remember that sometimes just five minutes is all it takes.
10 September 2009
Communicating our Expectations
In my experience one of the most challenging things about being in a leadership position is the clear communication of expectations. I've tripped up over this before and I've seen more relationships derailed from a lack of clearly communicated expecatations than I can count. Over the desk in my office I have on the wall a copy of "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz and there is one of the agreements that I think speaks directly to this issue:
"Don't Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life."
Of course, abiding by that agreement requires us to be clear about what we really want and sometimes that is a lot of work! We have to be willing to spend some time away from the constant noise and chatter that we allow into our lives to be able to get clear about what we want. It's easy to allow those distractions to keep us away from checking in with ourselves, but even 5-10 minutes a day spent in quiet contemplation can make a lot of difference. And don't be afraid to tell the person you are communicating with "you know, I need to get clear about what I am expecting in this situation, so let me consider that and get back with you." Better to wait than to risk the relationship.
"Don't Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life."
Of course, abiding by that agreement requires us to be clear about what we really want and sometimes that is a lot of work! We have to be willing to spend some time away from the constant noise and chatter that we allow into our lives to be able to get clear about what we want. It's easy to allow those distractions to keep us away from checking in with ourselves, but even 5-10 minutes a day spent in quiet contemplation can make a lot of difference. And don't be afraid to tell the person you are communicating with "you know, I need to get clear about what I am expecting in this situation, so let me consider that and get back with you." Better to wait than to risk the relationship.
08 September 2009
There's No Debate Leadership is Required
Last friday I attended a Houston Mayoral Candidate Debate hosted by the North Houston-Greenspoint Chamber of Commerce (http://www.nhgcc.org) and it got me thinking about the type of leadership needed in the political realm. The city of Houston is very fortunate to have a selection of candidates running that really represents the amazing diversity of the country's fourth largest metropolitan area and they each had the opportunity to articulate their experience, their goals and their vision.
Running a campaign seems like a lot of hard work to me, but if they are truly energized by the political process it should be a joyful experience for them. It seems to me that the ideal person must balance the managerial skills to run a large organization, and also be able to inspire people with a vision of something different or better. Managers aren't typically inspiring, but leaders usually are. Some leaders are good managers, others aren't. Where does the ideal point of balance sit between the two skill sets?
Speaking of balance, leadership in the political realm also involves balancing your own views and opinions with those of the people you represent. There are a million shades of gray between black and white and about that many differing opinions on so many issues. A good political leader has to know where the ideal point of balance is there as well.
So, during the debate I listened as each candidate described how they would manage the process of running the city and also listened for clues about their leadership style and what their "big picture" vision consisted of. It was fascinating to see how, as they spoke, their personal styles became apparent through their words but also through their facial expressions, their dress and their style of language. I'll be continuing to watch this process to see how it unfolds and what leadership lessons it contains.
Running a campaign seems like a lot of hard work to me, but if they are truly energized by the political process it should be a joyful experience for them. It seems to me that the ideal person must balance the managerial skills to run a large organization, and also be able to inspire people with a vision of something different or better. Managers aren't typically inspiring, but leaders usually are. Some leaders are good managers, others aren't. Where does the ideal point of balance sit between the two skill sets?
Speaking of balance, leadership in the political realm also involves balancing your own views and opinions with those of the people you represent. There are a million shades of gray between black and white and about that many differing opinions on so many issues. A good political leader has to know where the ideal point of balance is there as well.
So, during the debate I listened as each candidate described how they would manage the process of running the city and also listened for clues about their leadership style and what their "big picture" vision consisted of. It was fascinating to see how, as they spoke, their personal styles became apparent through their words but also through their facial expressions, their dress and their style of language. I'll be continuing to watch this process to see how it unfolds and what leadership lessons it contains.
07 September 2009
Labor Day: Honoring Our Work in This World
I am truly grateful to have this day created to honor labor. Labor has become a word with a bit of a negative connotation, as we usually associate it with hard, grueling, backbreaking, sweaty physical work. It certainly can mean that and it can also mean the joyful labor undertaken to bring a new life into this world. Today I want to take a moment to honor my labor, my work, my career and recognize that it brings meaning not only to my life, but to the lives of others. I also honor the labor of all human citizens of this world and the interconnectedness that our labor creates. If you get down to the real core of why we work isn't it really so we can be in community with one another? Sure, its a way of creating energy out and then the energy in typically looks like money or goods or services. There's just so much community and co-creation in work and if we can find the joy in our labors we can tap into that divine undercurrent within each other.
I am especially grateful today for all those who labor in careers that I choose not to do: nurses, child care workers, construction workers, garbage men, firemen, police officers, food processors, politicians and many others. And here's another joyful shout out to all those who chose the labor of being parents, stepparents, and foster parents. I vow to move into my week of work with a new appreciation for my mind and hands and the creation that results by their actions as well as all those who I labor with and those who support my lifestyle with their labors.
I am especially grateful today for all those who labor in careers that I choose not to do: nurses, child care workers, construction workers, garbage men, firemen, police officers, food processors, politicians and many others. And here's another joyful shout out to all those who chose the labor of being parents, stepparents, and foster parents. I vow to move into my week of work with a new appreciation for my mind and hands and the creation that results by their actions as well as all those who I labor with and those who support my lifestyle with their labors.
03 September 2009
Gurus, Guides and Girlfriends
I like the title of this blog post so much I might write a whole book on the subject some day! I think these three "G's" are important to keeping my inner life centered and my inner light shining. Now, I don't want to get overly serious about the word "guru". Some people give that word an evil intent and think it's about control or overt influence, when really its simply an intellectual or spiritual guide. I've never been a very religious person, although I am comforted by ritual, it's just the dogma that makes me itchy. I have had some gurus though, some semi-official and others who had no idea they held such an esteemed place in my consciousness. I used to think a guru had to be a lifelong relationship and deliver you to the ultimate promised land of enlightenment, but now I know that gurus are with you for as long as their knowledge is needed or applicable and then you are free to move on and find another guru... or not!
Guides are important, too, when it comes to leadership and life. A guide is usually someone who isn't a mentor in the official sense, but you look up to them and use their words and actions as inspiration. Even someone going through a really rough patch can be a guide. I am inspired by watching people I admire handle the quirks and craziness of life that come along, sometimes gracefully, sometimes kicking and screaming the whole way! Wow, this fabulous person I think so much of is really just like me. That inspires me.
And girlfriends. Let the women of the world not forget their girlfriends. I am blessed to have a husband who is my partner and my best friend in the whole world, but even he has his limits. Men will only walk around a problem with you and look at it from every angle for a finite time and then it's "you've got to get over this". Girlfriends never say "you've got to get over this". Never. They will gently remind you that the tsunami of pain and disappointment that is washing over you at the time in no way changes the essence of who you are. A real girlfriend will go to battle for you, a warrior by your side.
Sometimes you'll be blessed to find someone who fits all three roles for a time. Here's to my gurus, my guides and my girlfriends. Three essential tools for this leader.
Guides are important, too, when it comes to leadership and life. A guide is usually someone who isn't a mentor in the official sense, but you look up to them and use their words and actions as inspiration. Even someone going through a really rough patch can be a guide. I am inspired by watching people I admire handle the quirks and craziness of life that come along, sometimes gracefully, sometimes kicking and screaming the whole way! Wow, this fabulous person I think so much of is really just like me. That inspires me.
And girlfriends. Let the women of the world not forget their girlfriends. I am blessed to have a husband who is my partner and my best friend in the whole world, but even he has his limits. Men will only walk around a problem with you and look at it from every angle for a finite time and then it's "you've got to get over this". Girlfriends never say "you've got to get over this". Never. They will gently remind you that the tsunami of pain and disappointment that is washing over you at the time in no way changes the essence of who you are. A real girlfriend will go to battle for you, a warrior by your side.
Sometimes you'll be blessed to find someone who fits all three roles for a time. Here's to my gurus, my guides and my girlfriends. Three essential tools for this leader.
02 September 2009
Nurturing a Young Leader
Last night I attended my P.E.O. chapter's monthly meeting (www.peointernational.org). As usual I was tired from a day of work and not really wanting to go. Staying home and watching a movie sounded so much more appealing, but I know from experience that I would be missing an important part of feeding my spirit if I didn't attend.
This chapter has been my home since 1984 and it was the scene of my first, real adult leadership experience. Not long after joining the chapter I was asked to take on the easiest of our seven officer roles. I accepted and it helped me learn so much about the organizations and my sisters. Within four years I found myself in the position of chapter president and probably one the youngest chapter members at that time. I was astounded that these "older", worldly women would want me to lead the chapter for this two-year commitment and I was very nervous about taking that on since my husband and I had just started our own business. But, I dove in headfirst and what a learning experience it was. I certainly made plenty of leadership mistakes and missteps. I would get frustrated that I couldn't change things faster or get 100% member involvement. I was the typical young leader who thought it was all about me and all up to me.
But, what a gift that experience in that particular place and time was! You see, my P.E.O. sisters allowed me to fly with my young, fledgling leadership wings and they were always there to support me and pick me up when I crashed to the ground. Their course corrections came in the way of loving hands and hearts and words. I could not have learned about leadership in a more supportive, loving environment. Looking back I am astounded that I had that gift because so few leaders get that.... I know that now.
So, let's look for places and ways we can support and nurture others who are young to leadership.... no matter how seasoned they may be.
This chapter has been my home since 1984 and it was the scene of my first, real adult leadership experience. Not long after joining the chapter I was asked to take on the easiest of our seven officer roles. I accepted and it helped me learn so much about the organizations and my sisters. Within four years I found myself in the position of chapter president and probably one the youngest chapter members at that time. I was astounded that these "older", worldly women would want me to lead the chapter for this two-year commitment and I was very nervous about taking that on since my husband and I had just started our own business. But, I dove in headfirst and what a learning experience it was. I certainly made plenty of leadership mistakes and missteps. I would get frustrated that I couldn't change things faster or get 100% member involvement. I was the typical young leader who thought it was all about me and all up to me.
But, what a gift that experience in that particular place and time was! You see, my P.E.O. sisters allowed me to fly with my young, fledgling leadership wings and they were always there to support me and pick me up when I crashed to the ground. Their course corrections came in the way of loving hands and hearts and words. I could not have learned about leadership in a more supportive, loving environment. Looking back I am astounded that I had that gift because so few leaders get that.... I know that now.
So, let's look for places and ways we can support and nurture others who are young to leadership.... no matter how seasoned they may be.
01 September 2009
Integrity: When Words and Actions Align
Integrity is, in my mind, a huge and necessary component of ethical leadership. When I look back over my experience in leadership positions and I notice when I felt uncomfortable or exposed it was usually because what I was saying and what I was doing weren't matching up. Sometimes as leaders we say certain things hoping that saying them will make them so and alleviate the need to be honest and possibly perceived as being negative. Or sometimes we tell one person a different version of the "truth" thinking that because of our relationship or their status that it will make things easier.
Or things on our end, behind the scenes, start to change and we don't let others know that the story we relayed with such confidence before isn't how things are really going to look. We're unable to face up to our responsibility to be honest and hide behind an organization, a process, a committee, or another leader.
My hope is in this blog we can own up to our own leadership blunders and missteps, learn from them, learn from those demonstrating leadership in its highest form, and use our hard won leadership skills to create a better community where ever we live, work and play.
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About Me
- Jill Boullion
- Houston, TX, United States
- I've led a lot and followed plenty of times, too. All these experiences have given me some interesting perspective into what makes someone a leader worth following. And what constitutes ethical leadership? We usually can smell it when's it not, so let's find the examples in the world of people leading in an ethical and authentic way! My passion is community leadership but I think the lessons of leadership transcend place and specifics. I'd love to hear what you think about leadership!